i now remember why i don't let myself sleep in on sunday mornings....it makes trying to get to sleep on sunday nights a bitch!

so here i am six hours before i'm due to awake, wide awake, and frustrated....frustrated because i cannot sleep....frustrated because there are lose ends in some of my relationships right now, and thats hard for me....frustrated because i have to be patient for other things in my life, and that's also hard....

i guess i'm just in a bad place or a few hours....this too shall pass....

for the sake of equal air time....
this is my other little one, waverly...she's quiet, gentle, shy, and often harassed by panda... :)

this is one of my two "babies". her name is panda bear and i'd say she's a "special needs" kitty...seriously....

lately though, she's gotten even odder....it's my fault - i've been away too much, and now she's has become quite needy....i need a kitty nanny!

i sit in a hotel room....with a few minutes of retrospection before friends arrive for a night out....and here's what i'm thinking:

the journey to stay true to one's self is not an easy road....especially so if a person has spent a whole life not knowing who that is....but the effort is worth it....

i absolutely adore tall strong, confident, sexy women with husky voices...

i'm riding a high of commiting my life to me....taking better care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally....

i'm going to get another tattoo to commemorate this year....( i just had my other one recoloured...ouch...)

i'm looking in the mirror and liking what i see...this person looking back at me is even kinda cute :)

cherry blossom trees tickle my soul...

the value of authentic, honest, caring people is incalculable. it seems these days that these are rare and valuable human beings. cherish them....

off to find some trouble to get into..... :)

j.

i wish i had the words to describe today....hard, thoughtful, real, significant, draining...i guess i had the words after all...

isn't it odd how a person can hold seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time....i'm both fearful and excited about the future....i'm both sad and contented that i'm moving through some difficult issues....i even seem to be able to hold resentment and forgiveness together in some sort of twisted ball....i suppose i have to unravel some of those threads.... :)

a thought to meditate upon: to give from the heart is to give without expectation of being thanked....to truly love is to love without expectation of having it returned....

goodnight.

one more for tonight...a hard one...

i've always had difficulties letting go...i guess many of us do. but it's even harder when it's people i have to let go of, people i thought were friends (and i don't use that word lightly), who would be in my life for the longer term, but who have, instead, moved on, to new lives, to new interests. but i have to, because it's all i can really do. we can't hold on to people in our lives if they don't want to be there. i'm not bitter. once i would have been, but not now. i'm just sad...profoundly sad for what is lost...what might have been.

letting go. peace.
j.

it's been a fucking hard week....

and it's been a fucking good week (yes, i really do like to swear) because of new friends who bring truth and honesty (yes, these are separate things...), compassion, support, and humour.... and because i'm working on what i need to (oh, there is so much...)

and i want to say thank-you for every bit of positive energy sent my way in that last little while...believe me, i used it all, and more....and i continue to do so....

:)

i breathe in,
and nourish my soul,

with stories from
others who walk
similar journies...
with courage
of the truth
being spoken
in halting words ...
with the kindness
communicated
in a heartfelt smile,
or embrace...
with healing energy
given freely,
without condition...

only i can do this work,
no one else can do it for me...
but i cannot do it alone,
and i know i am not...

i looked into faces
of stangers
and felt them
connected to me...
and trust begins to bloom,
like the tiniest sprout
pushing through the soil...

when you speak the truth
i hear it with my heart,

and words mean nothing
when your spirit says otherwise...

moving forward requires moving backward, and standing perfectly still, all at the same time...

any inventors out there?...how can i walk on my treadmill and surf the internet at the same time? i watch tv and play on my computer at the same time. i use my treadmill and watch tv at the same time. i just have to figure out the treadmill/computer combo...

well, i'm about to undertake a week-end of intense emotional work...at least i'm anticipating that it will be intense. i guess that depends on how much i am willing to put into it. i am going to be letting a few things go....and that's a little scary...i haven't been in the full here and now for a while and i need to do that to get back to my writing...

send me good energy...

ah...decisions, decisions, decisions...

i said a while ago that i would not allow fear and trepidation to hold me back from living the kind of life i want to lead....and i'm not leading that life...so i've made a decision to make a serious change. i'm going to move. i will be giving up a great job, but i what i'm giving up to be here outweighs the rewards of my work. and i may have to take a loss on my house...but that will be the price i'm willing to pay for for i want to do...

a friend asked me last week-end if i'd consider moving. i said yes, but not for a few years yet. but i've been saying that for a long time...for ten years, in fact....it has become too easy to stay where i am, to hold on to the familiar and the secure. i think really that i was afraid to make a change and then regret the decision. i am still a little afraid, but i will survive...i always do...

it won't happen quite yet...but it will happen. i don't even know where i will go yet, but i've no great worries about that. i will have options.

in the meantime, there is paris...and the marking i have to finish tonight... :)

a freind brought me flowers today, and came for a visit 'cause she thought a scary, stressful night in the hospital warranted some tlc....it meant a lot to me....
i forget, sometimes, to appreciate some of the people in my life...i have to remember to not do that....
so now i'm resting....and learning to be thankful...
j.

paris anyone?

its' done... it's really done. plane ticket bought, apartment in the marais booked...i'm heading to paris for almost a month in july!

i'm so excited...i'm imagining pain au chocolat and cafe au lait for breakfast, afternoons at the louvre, strolls along the seine, bread, cheese, and wine for dinner....and maybe a beautiful french woman with a sexy accent....hmmmm....counting the weeks....

"if wishes were horses, i'd ride forever"

i wish....i try to not wish too much (action is generally better than wishing)...but today i do wish something - i wish i had a thicker skin. i've wished this before. i tried to make my wish come true by acting as if i do..but i don't...i never have...

it's taken me ten years to develop a thicker skin in my career - not too thick 'cause it takes a cetain sensitivity to work well with children, but enough that i can weather the daily highs and lows.

my personal life is another matter. i've often wanted to be someone else, someone who is not buffeted to and fro by her emotions, by the words or deeds of others, someone who does not come to tears when feeling something intensely. but, that's not me either....no matter what, i cannot seem to change the part of me that takes things personally, that feels things intensely...

i try to rationalize...i know that often when i am hurt by the words or actions of people i care about, it isn't because they have intended to make me feel that way. but, somehow, that doesn't seem to help. i wish it were any other way. i really do want to have a thicker skin, to not read too much into things, to be able to let things not affect me so much....it would make my life immensely easier....

what i learned this week-end...

a 20 month old baby (who i've barely spent any time with since he was born) loves the feeling of my hair tickling his face....he also likes goldfish and getting to do what he wants...but then i think we all do....

my other boys are growing up (they're all mine in heart only)...i miss the early mornings when they were a year old when their mother (my sis-in-law) and i would sit cuddling with them before we had to get ready for work...

but now, i get to hear them tell me with pride about what they are learning at school, and i get to see their beaming smiles when they show me what they can read and write....

i have to visit them so much more often....these years too will fly by....

the first song i heard of hers, from if your memory serves you well,captivated me, so i bought the cd. it was well worth it. there are a few of her own songs (such as "weak in the knees"), and cover tunes of other songs by canadian artists...

her voice draws me in, tantalizing, sexy, and playful...

what does it mean to be brave? many different things to many different people i would guess. a few (well, many) years ago, i read something to the effect that being brave doesn't mean a person is not frightened, it means that a person proceeds even in the face of fear...

i've never had to be brave the way many woman have had to when dealing with a life threatening physical illness. i've never had to battle cancer, or live with ms, or....
summoning up the will to fight for one's life in that arena takes bravery...

but i think many women are brave in so many other ways too.....

sometimes, it's the bravery of a women's decision to bring a child into this world despite her fears about not being able to be the best parent....
sometimes it's found in a woman's difficult decision to not bring a child into this world....

i see bravery in women who make decisions to put parts of their lives on hold in order to provide what they think is the best life for their children....
and i see bravery in in women who realize that they also need to live their lives and their truths even though it is hard for others...

there is bravery in women who have fallen to their knees, but who don't give up, and find a way to stand up again....
there is bravery in women who share their stories, their lows in life, their insecurities, their vulnerabilties...

what is bravery to me?...sometimes it's seen the will to believe that no matter how bad today is, there will be a tomorrow, and it has so many possibilities.....

and, as for me....i am learning that this life is far too short to allow fear or trepidation to confine me anymore....

j.

serena ryder's cd if memory serves you well is playing...(i'm seduced by her voice...)

a night was spent around the kitchen table sharing good food, wine, conversation, laughter, stories....and now the table has been cleared, the candles extinguished, the guests gone home...

let me leave the dishes until tomorrow...let me just feel the fullness of now....i'm learning to do that - feeling the now. and it's a challenge, trying to not dwell on yesterday or plan for tomorrow...just feeling the now, 'cause that is all there ever really is....

bon nuit...

okay, time to come out of the closet (so to speak) and put a face to my words...
this is me...

the wind is howling today,
echoing my state of mind...


it's been a rough ride these last weeks. both the acknowledged, and the unacknowledged, beating their wings on my consciousness, demanding attention...

and i've retreated....

while the storm continues...

what tethers
me
to this life,
to this existence?

like a puff of smoke
i yearn
to float upward,
and dissapate
into a million
minute
fragments,
swirling
over the earth...

"live with intention"
...more to come on this one...

scar tissue hardens
below the surface
protecting me
in my ignorance
of thinking
what i needed
was no one but myself
and the resolve to
be strong

buried below are
years
of hurt
of tears
of confusion...

wounds that
can not be tended to
until i can open
them
to the air

i move slow
i cannot tear it out

i have to gently soften,
and slip it aside,
to tend to the past,
to heal the present,
to greet the future

i looked at her and said, "i feel like i've been grieving for a year."
she raised her brows only slightly, recognizing maybe, that there was much more that i needed to be talking about....

i've had a few losses in the past year. one of them was my life long held assumption that one day i would be a biological mother to a child i could call my own... one who i could see myself in, and who i could nurture and help grow into a strong, loving compassionate adult...

but i waited too long, so mixed in with feelings is the demon of regret... i want to be angry about the loss, but the only one i can direct that at is me...and i don't want to do that to myself anymore...i am realizing that in my grieving, i will also have to find a way to forgive myself....

another uncannny "quiz" result...i do enjoy the early morning before the world awakes....and i love the line "you are long sips of...coffee..."

thanks shazza for the site.

here's the time if day i am... :)

"You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky."

a long, full day...a good day.

i talked,
i was listened to.
i laughed,
i made others laugh.

i'm tired,
and that is good.

i want to sleep....
deeply...
deeply...
deeply...
and awake,
again,
to a new day
full of possibilities....

i want to run away...i really, really want to just run away for a while. i don't know exactly why the desire is so strong in me right now. maybe it's part january blues, but i think there's something more....
i used to want to run away from my life and never come back. just disappear, start over in a new place and recreate myself.
this time it's not that (thankfully). that was about trying to run away from myself. this is something different...
anyhow, i have a week or so off coming up next month and the two places calling me right now are mexico and paris.... mexico - a sundrenched beach with warm breezes and cool marguaritas....paris - real chocolate croissants and cafe au lait for breakfast, and a visit or two to the louvre....
what to do....
if i think about it practically, i should stay home. it would be financially wiser, and i could spend time with my nephews....but i think i might be done with practicality this year. i think this year, i might throw caution to the wind and listen to my impractical, carefree impulses....

of all the quizzes i've taken, this one is freakily close... at least i think so... j. What My Name Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

today, part 2 - "issues with people"

i never considered myself beautiful. i have features that do not fit popular culture's standards of beauty. my parents let me know early in life that i wasn't perfect (i know it's not unusual....many people have similar stories). so i decided that i would make myself beautiful "on the inside". to my young mind that meant being nice. it meant not letting people feel uncomfortable. it meant not showing people when i was sad or angry. it meant ignoring insensitive comments, or not calling people on their rudeness. it meant ignoring or hiding my feelings when people did or said things that hurt me...i would think that if i was good, and nice, and thoughtful, and calm, and peaceful, and sensitive to others, that it would make up for....well, for anything else i was lacking... and it would mean that i would not have to be alone....

and now...i'm finally realizing how wrong i was. i'm realizing that i let some people treat me with less than what i deserved, with less respect, with less caring.... i am realizing now that this was all a part of allowing people to not value me because i did not think myself as worthwhile as everyone else....because i did not value myself..

did not value myself...

the words hang there...still raw....

but i'm learning.

and i'm going to have to learn how to not put up with less than i deserve anymore...i'm going to learn to say "fuck you" to people when i need to.... i'm going to learn to be okay with not making other people happy...i'm going to learn how to say when enough is enough....because i'm done....i'm just done.

today, part 1 - "issues with noise"

morning...
on the bus...
the woman behind me has been on her cell phone
since before we boarded...
she is talking non-stop,
loudly...
i turn,
"please...SHUT-UP!"

midday...
i am in a meeting...
animated,
sometimes heated
disussion...
we are told
to ignore
a pre-planned
fire-alarm drill...
the alarms ring and stop,
and ring and stop,
and ring...
i yell
"arrrhg!" mid-sentence.

evening...
i'm in chapters
the phone is ringing
somewhere on the floor...
it rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings...
i pick up the receiver,
and shout into it,
"there is nobody here!"

that was my day...
sorta...
the woman,
the fire-drill,
the irritating ringing phones...
they happened....

my responses...
...only in my mind....

like waves on the shore,
the understanding
comes close
and recedes

i can feel it
in the air,
fragile tendrils
seeking
their home,
like a whisper
cradled
in my arms

i trace the words with my finger tips
slow sensual curve
strong bold stoke
willing the ink
to seep through
my skin,
for the words
to become body

do you ever have those day when you want to say exactly what pops into your head at any given moment? when you want to uncensor your tongue and say the things you never normally would (because of oh so many reasons)….do you ever have those days when you want to let it all go and be dare the world to call you crazy, insane, erratic, “loop-the fuckin-loop (anyone get that reference?), nuts, etc….

it's the “alice falling down the rabbit hole” feeling….where my mind just swirls, and the boundaries between my impulses and my self-preservation begin to blur….

one of these days, i tell myself, one of these days my id will overthrow ego, and punch super-ego square in the nose...

my lesson

i give this to the universe...i give this to myself...

do not hold tightly...
let go

do not try to make sense of it...
exist

do not try to shape it...
let it be

do not attempt to define...
be open

the intangible

i struggle to make sense,
but the understanding
i try to make
cannot be made
in the mind...

i am looking at
a glass world
in which
i can exist
and not exist,
i can know
and not know,
i can be
and not be...

i see it close and far
i can touch it,
taste it...
in my imagination
only

i am in a
place
of possibilities,
of discordance,
of choice,
and i do not
know how to move

my legs are mud
holding me to this place,
my arms
reaching out
to the universe,
my heart
knows i am
nothing,
and
i am all....

i let go... i am letting go of what i use to define myself... because in reality, these things to not define me. they are roles i play, masks i don, pretences i keep... and when the cruches are not enough to hold me, when the created images are not enough to sustain me, i have to let them go...

i've written of how i'm changing parts of who i am. these are the things that i've used to cope, to compensate, to mask other aspects of me, and i let them go to move forward, to make room for what will truly nourish me... to make room for more...

i am learning to live without apology, i am learning to live with a greater sense of my own value...

after writing the post about what makes me always smile, i began thinking about one other experience that lifts my spirit. it's something that i've found hard to name. it's a moment, a precious moment, usually when i am by myself, when a certain peacefulnsss settles over me and seeps into my soul. it's a knowledge that no matter what else is going on the the world, or in my life, that all will be well....

i wish i had a name for this moment. these times have been rare, and extremely precious to me....the first one i remember having was as a child, maybe ten years old or so. it was christmas eve, and i was leaning out an opened window in my bedroom on the second floor of our row house, breathing in the fresh cold air. i knew there was no santa, and i had no religious leanings, so i started to wonder what the point of christmas was. "it's about this," i thought. "it's about wishing for peace in the world. it's about caring for each other." i don't think i had the words then, but the feeling i had was that this season was about the expression of love...

another instance of this also occured as a child. i was still quite young, and walking by myself through some old growth forest on haida gwaii. the air was softly pleasant, the forest quiet, the ground beneath me feet a soft and springy bed of moss. i stopped on the little used trail and lay down on my back to stare up with awe at these massively tall cedars, sentinels to our past. "i need to remember this," i thought. "this is special. i won't always have this. most people don't have this experience." somehow i knew that that experience, that connection to the earth was a gift.

i've had a few more similar experiences since. they come randomly and without warning. and i hold on to them as i would a new born babe, gently, and with all my heart.

for those who don't already know, i have suffered from bouts of depression many times in my life. it may be that it i will always have to deal with it, like a recovering alcoholic. or, maybe, i will learn to find a new way of life that doesn't include it. i don't know, and in the grand scheme of things (if there is a grand scheme, and we're not all intangibles in a swirl of random chaos), it doesn't matter, as long as i know that i will have these moments of clarity again, these moments of feeling my soul fragile and full....

someone said to me yesterday that all we are are conduits for love. it comes through us and out to others. all we have to do is learn to accept love fom others first...

and so right now, today, i leave you with this. celebrate something in the next few weeks, whether it be solstice, christmas, or some religious or secular celebration or recognition, with love in your heart. if you can, let it in... and if you can, let it out....

i have a stuffed dancing pig that sings “my girl”...cheesy, ya...but it never fails to make me smile...go figure...

so i start thinking about what else always makes me smile...here’s my list…

my adorable nephews (especially the baby who gets soooo mad)
snow falling
when kids laugh at my stupid jokes
my littlest cat (who I think has adhd…)
my blond curly haired friend
a really good cup of coffee (okay, sometimes it’s an inward smile...people tend to look suspiciously at people sitting by themselves in coffee shops smiling gleefully)
a really good glass of red wine
seeing my mom after a long time apart
people who smile at me
friends who call just to say they miss me
seeing new books by my favorite authors
lots of christmas lights

so what always makes you smile?

the late night is quiet as i sit down...to rest...to think...to reflect...
it's been a learning time for me...hard lessons - i guess the meaningful ones always are...

hands hover over keys, and words come back, fragmented and slow...but they come...

the whisper of a promise

do you see
ribbons of glass
woven with
breath...
do you hear
the beating heart,
held in time...
do you feel
the slow inhale,
and exhale
as fingers
dance over
warm vulnerability...
do you taste
eternity
in the fullness
of now...

i'm supposed to create a link to the person who sent me this meme (kellynerd), but i don't know how...and i'm supposed to send this one on to others, but i don't know if i want to do that quite yet....

here it is...a letter to my thirteen year old self

dear j,

i wish i could be there in your thirteen year old life to help you through the next years of your life. i wish i could help you understand that this life has so much more to offer than you realize. but first, there are a few things you have to know. you are a beautiful, wonderful, talented, wildly creative girl. and you are a good person. i know that you don’t feel that way. i know that you are often sad and angry. it’s okay. you have a right to be. you didn’t deserve what life had in store for you so young. you deserved more. you still do.

it’s not your fault you know...his anger, his abuse. it’s not your fault that you don’t feel loved. she didn’t know how to show it. she didn’t know a lot about raising children. she does love you though. later in life she will try to show it to you. i wish i could be there right now, to hold you, and help you feel safe from the world.

don’t feel the guilt i know you feel now about keeping quiet. it’s a lot to expect from a child who feels alone. and you’re not a freak! you are a whole special being worthy of being appreciated for who you are.

i wish you could know this now....it would help through the rest of your life....you act so tough wearing that chip on you shoulder to fend off the world before it can hurt you any more. but, that chip is going to get heavy. i wish you could let it go, but i guess that will happen when you don’t need it anymore.

you have just moved again. this time to a much bigger town. i know it is never really easy moving so often, and that you will never like this place. the good news is that you will eventually leave there, and not look back.

i know that you will also not like going to school, but don’t worry, you’ll make it through, and go on to university like you always thought you would. your parents will be proud. but more importantly, it will help you become a more assertive person. you will find your voice. years from now you will find it mildly amusing to be doing what you do for a living.

you will move to the city when you are twenty, and life will seem to open up. parties, drinking, drugs...you will continue to live a life of transience, moving once or twice a year. you will be good at that, learning to adapt to new situations. it is one of your strengths. you have a lot of them. i wish you could know that. you will make many new friends, and some of them will stay with you for many years. many more others will fade away, but that’s okay...that damien guy will be in your life a while – you’ll get a crush on him, but don’t worry too much about it. one day he’s going to stop being the west-end party boy, get married to a very sweet guy, and adopt two kids....

in the meantime you are going to see a lot of this province and country, live in many places, and meet many people. you will try to make up for your first twenty years by partying for the next ten...you will have fun, and you will have heartache; some people you know will die early deaths and that will affect you.

oh ya, all those feelings you are going to have about being different from everyone around you? well, there are real reasons for that. you are different. you suffer from bouts of depression (yes, believe it or not, kids can have it to) you just won’t have a name for it. you eventually will, and one day long from now, you will finally do something about it.

and all these guys you're going to pine for, or have brief meaningless relationships with? don’t worry, one day they will mean very little to you. you will understand that you weren’t meant to be with them. one day, after a long journey of feeling out of synch with people around you, you will realize that you actually prefer women, and it will feel like you are finally home...

you are going to take a long time deciding what you want to do in life, and even longer getting there, but you will. and along the way, you will have more regrets...you will not be a mother like you always thought you would be...your life will not turn out like you think it might...you will struggle to deal with that...but, life is like that....there will be days and nights when you feel like your soul is breaking, but you will survive.

i wish i could go back in time to talk with you now, to be there for you so that you don’t have to spend so many years feeling so alone. you will know that your family loved you in their own ways, but, unfortunately, it will take you some time to accept that. you will have a difficult time letting anybody into your life...you will have trouble letting people know who you are, but it will happen. your brothers will meet wonderful women who they will marry, and one of your sisters-in-law will become another sister to you. knowing that she cares about and loves you will help you in hard times. oh ya, and she will bring boys into this world who will help you understand what it is like to love unconditionally...

this one will come as a shocker. you are going to move back to the town you were born in and live there for quite a while. yes, i know, you said never...but hey...it happens...

you are going to meet someone later in life who helps you to see that your life can be lived differently. she will always mean a great deal to you, although maybe not in the way you first envision. by the way, technology is going to enter your life in ways you can not now imagine...cells phones and computers will become you right arm....don’t laugh...it’s true...this technology will open up even more of the world for you...

you will have a rough time for a while, yet again questioning life....but again, you will come through...don’t quite know how yet. i wish my sixty year old self were able to write a letter to my current self, and let me know it goes, and i could tell you...i guess i’ll just have to trust in my knowledge, my resources, and my strength...

if i could give you one (well, more than one) piece of advice to change your life? don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks. be proud of your uniqueness, don't take yourself so seriously, take more risks...and laugh...baby, just laugh...

you know when life catches up to you and - whoompf - just sets you on your ass? mine just did that to me again…and this time i’m listening…

i know that i’m not the only person to feel as though i'm not fully living…to “go through the motions”, to over-compensate in some areas for what is lacking in the others….and i know that i’m not the only one who has crisis of…(well, not exactly faith, as i do not subscribe to any formal religious beliefs…)…well, a crisis of belief i guess, belief in myself…belief in others…belief that we matter…belief that if i say what i think, i won’t fall off the earth…

how do i change who i am? and yes, i do have to do that. as odd as it sounds to my own ears, i have to become myself…and how do i do that after all these years of ingrained habits, learned fears, self-censoring…? with work, with stepping outside my comfort zones in many areas, with taking risks, with breathing, and with taking one day at a time....

”I want to be less predictable, more various and flexible and hospitable to surprise...I want to be inconvenient and alive.”

i read those words last week, and since then that last phrase has been circling in my brain, and rolling around in my mouth...

...i want to be inconvenient and alive...
...i want to be inconvenient and alive...

what does it mean? it means that i want to live a life for me...not for how others perceive me......i want to be inconvenient and alive...i want to not care if i look foolish, or stupid, or incompetent. ...i want to be inconvenient and alive...i want to be okay with being disorganized if i want to be, or lazy, or selfish.......i want to be inconvenient and alive...i want to not worry that i’m making someone uncomfortable with how i am, or what i say, or what i want...

...i want to be inconvenient and alive...

i want to shout those words out to the world....because i need to hear myself say them over and over again, until i know that in all of who i am - the stuff i love, the stuff i hate, and the stuff i try to hide from the world – i am worthy of everything this world has to offer...

...i want to be inconvenient and alive...

she closes her eyes...
imagining...

a battle hardened body
scarred with
the markings
of past skirmishes fought
and won,

the worn hilt of her sword
a testimony
to her mastery...

oh, the body-felt yearning...
to live in a time
when she could have
travelled a countryside,
carrying her sword,
and slain a dragon or two...
with an easy knowledge
of enemies
that could be vanquished
for the good of all...

it would be easier
(she thinks)

than the life
she creates here,
in this seemingly mundane world,
where the dragons,
though invisible,
are no less real...

where the scars
she carries
to mark her battles
score only
her heart
and weigh
on her soul....

and where
her lined face
is the only testimony
of her resilience,
and strength...

i'm going away for the week-end....not for work this time...(yeah!)...just for myself...
i'm going to a writing retreat. i've never been to one before, so it's a little intimidating...but only a little...and, hopefully, this week-end i'll have some fun and relax...

i encountered this poem a while ago, by a writer named joy harjo. i put it up in my place of work. it reminds me of good times, of family, of friends, of sitting together in conversation, of time spent measuring the passage of our lives through the stories we share...

"Perhaps The World Ends Here"

The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what, we must eat
to live.

The gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the table. So it
has been since creation, and it will go on.

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the cor-
ners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that children are given instructions on what it means to be
human. We make men at it, we make women.

At this table we gossip, recall enemies and the ghosts of lovers.

Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms around our
children. They laugh with us at our poor falling-down selves and as
we put ourselves back together once again at the table.

This table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.

Wars have begun and ended at this table. It is a place to hide in the
shadow of terror. A place to celebrate the terrible victory.

We have given birth on this table, and have prepared our parents for
burial here.

At this table we sing with joy, with sorrow. We pray of suffering
and remorse. We give thanks.

Perhaps the world will end at the kitchen table, while we are laugh-
ing and crying, eating of the last sweet bite.

and for something completely different (isn't that a line from an old tv show...?)

Six Random Facts/Habits About Myself That I Haven’t Already Posted

...thanks to Nerdgirl….remember about karma… :)

1. i once traveled from fort st. john, bc to london, england for a whirlwind four day week-end…got drunk in the toronto airport…hmmm memories…

2. i, unfortunately, am a speed demon when it comes to driving on the highway….luckily, no tickets yet…

3. my favorite job before my current profession was as a bartender in a bar with “exotic dancers”…oh, the stories…

4. i skipped at least ¼ of my classes in grade 12...and i rarely did homework...i was a horrible student…..

5. a few years ago, i drove from the northwest coast of bc to the east coast of newfoundland by myself. i wanted to see this country, and i’ve now seen most of it….i’d do it again, but not by myself…there is such a thing as having too much time to think…

6. i have a gutter mouth. i like to swear. i don’t do it at work, but away from work, i find it rather cathartic….

now i have to pass this on....swann, alan, and paul - it's your turn...

we're supposed to be tough...independent...supposed be strong and move on...that's what i told myself about life...that's what many of us think, or do...or try to do.....

but, in the realities of our our existences, this is not what happens...we move on, not having dealt with the myriad of issues we face, or experiences we live through...and inevitably, the past catches up to us...it surfaces no matter how hard, or how fast, we run...no matter what obstacles we try to put in the way, how many untruths we convince ourselves of in our attempts to cope...

and when the past does catch up, and forces us to look into its dark recesses, we can begin to know who we really are...for in the struggle to bring light into those dark places, we can also begin to know the potential of who we can be...

i write this for myself, for those who have been there, and for those who are there now....for someone i know curled up in his hospital room not able to deal with the world and what he has lost in it anymore...

i write this because i feel hope...for the first time in a long time....and because there are always first steps...

when we part
it is in body only...
i carry you
in my heart,
to warm me
when i'm alone...

you anchor me to this world,
when i feel lost,
and hold me fast
when i might
fly away....

and you give me strength
when i am tired,
strength
to continue
to explore
to discover
to grow...

close your eyes...

your senses heighten...

you can hear the close, soft, rhythmical
lapping of the waves against the shoreline...
ebb and flow...
you hear the faint cries of distant birds...
you feel the soft caress of the warm breeze dance across your skin...
you smell the salty air, lushly ripe with the sweet scent of creamy mango and milky coconut...

the warm sea beckons...

you open your eyes...
and walk slowly into her...
gentle waves tickling
your ankles,
your calves,
your thighs,
until
she enfolds you
in her silky arms,
and you float softly,
gently falling and rising
with the passing of each wave...

you are home...

highs
and lows,
elation
and despair...

the randomness of life...

just when
the ground
feels solid
for a moment,
you take a breath...
"it's going to be okay"

that's when
a word,
a comment,
or
a memory,
trips you.

and you fall
again,
off
the earth

i'm sitting on the skytrain watching people. the air is faintly sour with the dampness so many people on a wet, grey day. i wonder if i am seeing the day reflected in the dreary faces of the strangers getting on and off at each stop, or if i'm projecting what i'm feeling onto them...

i see a hardened thin man, silver rings glinting off each finger, rise from his seat, and reach far under another row to fish out an empty coke can rolling around the floor. i am thinking that he must need the few cents he will get for recycling it... instead, i see him raise the empty can to his lips and try to suck out whatever drops of sugary liquid that remain...i think that must have been a powerful thirst....and i wonder what chemical substances in him are causing his body to scream for such nourishment...

i had a long day yesterday... gave a couple of workshops , which always exhausts me, wanting to make sure that i haven't wasted the time of those who came to learn....met, and made, a new sweet, funny, intelligent friend who i new previously only through her blog...went to a hockey game, sat beside a dear friend i care so much about, cheered along my team, who didn't win in the end (but that was okay)...and sat for a few minutes with more friends, winding up the day over a drink and a chat.

it was good. it was busy. no time for reflection - just trying to stay with the moments...

i didn't get my walk in the crisp fall air, crunching the dried leaves of autumn. the rains turned the leaves, and sidewalks they rest on, slick with wetness. but maybe later during my next visit...

i'm still trying to process so many things. i keep thinking that i can get things worked out in my mind..like i have a task to work through, then i'll feel better about what i have and won't have in my life. maybe that's where i go wrong. maybe i can't work it through. maybe i can't make myself feel okay about where i am (figuratively). maybe i just have to keep living my life day to day. keep making contact with people, and trust that i'll be okay in the end...

stars cry,
diamond dust
thickly
coating
her salty skin,
shattered shards
of promise...

grey quiet
camoflauges
turmoil,
anxious energy
bound,
tightly harnessed
to
be still...

while

cells implode,
hot,
bitter,
piercing
her fractured
soul,
promises
of uncertainty...

....and breathe...

i am reminded
of paul simon's
"i am a rock",
but i am not
and
i need
2
learn
2 be
ok
with asking
4 help

lesson learned...
wanted
to believe
it could be
different...
wanted to
believe
that people would
be there
when i
needed someone...
wanted to
believe.

the rain is still falling, the sky still a blanket of dull grey...and as i look out into it, i am thinking that it is a metaphor for how i've been feeling the last couple of weeks...i've been walking around doing what i need to so, putting on a smile when i need to, engaging in conversation when i have to, and all the time feeling quite dark and low...
all i do is lay on the couch and watch t.v., and eat junk - lots of it. i decline invitations to socialize, not wanting to be around anyone but a few people at a time...i've been here before, many times...i just try to ride it out, hoping that something will turn, something will click, and the grey will separate to reveal the vibrant colours that i know exist somewhere.
i know this happens for many people. i'm not unique in feeling depressed...

and i know the reasons i'm here...some i can work on resolving... others will have to wait for time to pass. i know i need to get outside into some fresh air and get some exercise, but instead, i curse the damn rain...i need to stop waiting for something to shift the grey, i need to do it myself...

okay, enough is enough...this fucking rain is driving me nuts...

"short and silly"

a phrase he used to describe the lives we all lead.

yes, so short - mere specs in a grand scheme of things...if one believes in a grand scheme...
and yes, so silly - our worries, our concerns, our angst. which ones will matter in a hundred years...?

we waste so much time being angry, being sad, being resentful. we choose to not forgive, we choose to hold on to pain. and it's such a waste.... we will all be gone soon, our lives having briefly touched others, then gone.

i do not advocate an artificial "pollyanna" approach to life. we do get hurt, we are wounded... even anger has its place...we do what we feel we must...we survive...and to do that we must acknowledge our experience....and some of those experiences infuse our bodies, to be carried with us throughout the rest of our lives...

but i think sometimes we look through small windows, and we become focussed on one vision...and it eclipses all else... sometimes, we let ourselves drown in things that shouldn't shape our lives...

my life is short...i will remember that....i will appreciate the moments.
my life is silly...i will know that...and i will live it, and let it be...

the following words are not mine. they belong to a poet - connie fife. these healing words are magic to me...

Distances

last night
deep in the
womb of
mother earth
my prayers
for you
whispered to
my grandmothers
were answered.
on this night
the spirits
will protect
you
in ways
i
cannot.
pull those blankets
closer
to
your
woman’s skin,
wrap yourself
in blankets
of snow
under
skies of
woman’s color
and once,
only once,
acknowledge the
spirits
who will
watch over you
in ways i
cannot while
so many miles
away.
know they are strong
and willing
to protect
you
in this
your most
vulnerable state.
on this
night
touch my
hair
as i too
wrap myself
in blankets
of snow

hmmm...i just realized it's been almost a year since this began...what a ride...

i've been rereading some of my old posts...some feel like i wrote them just yesterday.
i think about how i pushed myself out of my comfort zone, how i put my words out there for others to read, to interpret as they will. and i think about the pieces of others' lives i've had glimpses into...
that's what this is about, to me anyway....sharing a little of our humanity, walking a step or two with each other on our journeys.
in the last year i've had some "aha" moments (one really big one), some dark scary times, and some warm, joyful memories. i've laughed and cried, and i've celebrated and mourned...what life is all about i suppose...
and i've written a little, not nearly what i want to, or what i need to. but it's a start.

and i thank each person who has stopped by in this virtual substitute for a cup of coffee (or glass of wine) at a kitchen table, for taking the time to respond, or just to read.

a year...

who is that person
i was today

tired,
angry,
short-tempered

i see her too often

and she's not who i want to be.

i want days
filled

with patience,
with forgiveness,
with gentler words,
with more laughter...

live the life i value

my heart goes out to j.

it looked like
the flu...but it wasn't

it was leukemia...
and three days later
her beautiful
13 year old
daughter
is gone...

like breath itself....

letting go
has never been my forte

this past year
i’ve had to learn
to let go

it wasn’t easy,
it still isn’t easy...

and now
i may have to let go
of something else
a hope...
a desire...

and again,
i don’t know
if i know how

when will i decide to let the universe
take me where it will?

i take it for granted sometimes,

this place where i live

until i look out the window at work

and see the deer grazing on the grass.

this one was taking a rest in my back yard...

beautiful, peaceful creatures

the cat has the right idea...today i'd like to curl up in a bucket and ignore the world...

it's hard waking at 5:30 a.m.
as usual, i've gone to sleep too late
pull on old sweats,
listening to hear
whether or not i'll need
a rain jacket.
throw one in the car (just in case).
i begin,
stiff and awkward,
joints and muscles resenting
having to move
before my mind
has even fully wakened.
i walk in the dark,
circling the track,
around and around.
old songs
rasping through
my earphones.
each lap
brings a smidgeon
more light into the world,
until
the night fully recedes
to make room
for one
more day...

peace....

"truth is what you get when truth is what you speak"

lines of a song
echo in my soul...
truth
is
what we need
to speak...

when words won't come,
it is
because
i can't find
my truth...

i'd rather
be silent,
than speak
empty words.

i write,
and delete...
and write,
and delete...
as truth
evades me

ah, sometimes i have to wonder about my sanity. it's been a hard couple of days. i've been riding too many waves of emtional highs and lows... i think it's time to do some soul searching, and to ask myself some questions about what i want to be doing with the rest of my life. it seems i'm in a holding pattern, and i don't want to be here anymore. i need to move on. i just don't know to what or to where....

...a bit of frivolity...



the funny thing (to me at least) is that i once thought i knew myself (ah, hubris)...since then i've let that fallacy go....
the fun part of this test was reading what my personality type (INTP) means...hmmm...food for thought...

i wake up often now and wonder where the last ten years went. i just closed my eyes for a moment and when i opened them, i was a decade older. it's all too precious to take for granted, our years here, and i forget that.

i don't fear growing older; i fear the regret of a life not fully lived...to have loved and have been loved. but fear stops me from living right now, being fully present in every moment that i'm awake.

life is a sequence of memories, snapshots of images and emotions we carry with us. when i am in the latter years of my life (should i be graced with that opportunity) i want to make sure that the majority of my life experiences have nourished my soul and expanded my understanding of life...

quiet
for a while,
months
of ups
and downs,
of just
holding on
sometimes,
paddling
to keep
afloat

everything matters
and
nothing matters

i create my life
i know this,
so why
do i create
this one?

i laugh every day
i cry every day
i feel numb at times every day
i am scorched at times every day

no wonder i feel tired....

i have lost myself
again,
been here before
am trying to remember
my way back

a few days off
...needed...

a grey week
a sad week,

it feels like mourning,
a loss
of something

emotional toll

and physical,

it will
pass
life has its way,
we move on
sometimes we heal,
sometimes not....

"i felt so alone",
she asked "why" i would chose this,
for i had....

i didn't have an answer...
i'd been keeping to myself
as far back
as my earliest memories,
internal monologues...
conversations only imagined...

i did not
talk aloud
about
my hurts,
my wants,
my fears,
my heart...

those closest
to me
never really
knew me...

self-imposed limits
with family,
friendships that stopped
at imagined boundaries...

too many thoughts left
unuttered,
too many tears
shed
in solitude only,
too many words
left
unsaid...

just a way
of being
in this
world...
so many years,
normal,
my way...

now,
i know
other possibilities,
others ways...

it's hard
to live differently,
to challenge
myself,

i am creating
a new
way of being,
talking,
sharing,
allowing others
to know me....

and she
will continue
to ask me why,
when i
slip back into
solitude,
and i thank her
for that...

a trip to the city and my first canucks game....it was great...(despite the intense consumerism...)

i have a memory of my wiry, wrinkled grandmother sitting in her rocking chair six feet from the small old tv, intent on Canada vs Russia 1972....and other flashes of my mother at whl games, swearing up a storm when the team she favoured gave up a goal....it's in the genes i guess...

p.s. the canucks won....!

we create
what we want
in each other,
filling in
spaces
between
what
we hope for,
and
what is...
as
we imagine
each other
into
being...

a rant...

someone once said "waiting for the world to change is like looking in a mirror, and saying you go first"....

we can't wait for things to change - we are our own catalysts for change....if we want a better world in which to live, then each of us has the responsibility to stand up (and out at times) for what we believe...and what i believe is that homophobia is bigotry...and bigotry should never go unchallenged....

i write about this now because i'm so angered by the casual attitude with which people can talk about being either homophobic, or "uncomfortable" with someone who is gay... this is bigotry, and it is as vile as racism....unfortunately, it seems to an acceptable form of bigotry these days....and people who would blanche at being thought a racist still think it quite acceptable to "disapprove" of gay people (which is, in fact, a form of homophobia)...and it is also poison...less aggressive than outright bashing, but as deadly nonetheless....

and i'm angered when someone i care for so deeply gets hurt by people in her life she cares for...she deserves people bigger than their smallness in her life...

on the other end of the spectrum (or is it on another ring of the spiral) i have to write her about my sister-in-law... she's changing the world in how she lives her life, and in how she teaches her children to see the world... her sons are are taught to not hate people..her sons are taught to celebrate diversity - in the world, and in our family...this is how the world changes...children who grow up knowing that a man can love a man, and a woman can love a woman, and that all are full and complete in who they are...

i haven't had to go through the struggle that many have...i haven't had family deny who i am (yet), or friends distance themselves (yet)....i don't know if or when it will happen, or how i will react...i can imagine anger...it's an easy one for me...but i don't know yet....

i guess i found a few words...

i sit here yet again
struggling to find the words,
and yet again they escape me.

word after word, phrase after phrase
i try on for size,
but they do not fit,
so i send them back.

my heart doesn't hear words...
it hears
the spaces that exist in between
the words we speak,
in what is not said,
in that land of possibility
that exists
in the places in between...

fractured thoughts
trying to find their way
into being

i have not been fully here for some time,
it's a hard place and space to be

yoga and pilates
both waking up my body
like the slow morning stretch
that moves us into the day

i didn’t know that muscles in my toes could hurt...
my back has to relearn how to curl and uncurl....
there are some muscles that it is hard to remember to keep clenched while others are doing their thing....

i’m sore
and it feels good...

where i live....on a calm day....

and i can....and i do....slow, measured, deep breaths.....one at a time....over and over....with daylight comes perspective....with daylight comes another step of the journey....

i'm drowning....
i sink
deep into
cold dark waters....
i kick
and struggle to the surface
gulping air,
thrashing frantically
to stay afloat,
before my body slides
again beneath the waves
and my lungs burn....
over,
and over,
and over,
i dream about
warmth, and oxygen, and light....
but feel
only
a dark, cold, loneliness....


maybe tomorrow i'll breath again....

our stories....

nigerian storyteller ben okri says that "...we live by stories, we also live in them. One way or another we are living the stories planted in us early or along the way, or we are also living the stories we planted - knowingly or unknowingly - in ourselves. We live stories that either give our lives meaning or negate it with meaninglessness. If we change the stories we live by, quite possibly we change our lives."

i think that is what many of us are doing here in this medium, telling our stories, defining who we are to the world (and to ourselves) through our stories

i have defined myself by the stories of my life....the roots of most of my stories (most of our stories) are found in childhood. i learned who i was by those experiences. it was then that i began to tell myself stories of who i was (am).... i have lived by these stories, and have reinforced them time and time again through the years. the sad thing is that these are not positive stories. they are hurtful, and no less because i'm the one who tells them to myself.....i know that i am not defined by my childhood, but i am defined by what i believe about myself, and much of that echoes back to then....

so, how to change my stories, the ones i tell myself that try to silence my voice....the ones i tell myself about who i am that cause me to want to retreat back into my fortress, to not talk to the people i care about, or write...

this is how....by just doing it....

"... and what does it mean," I asked, "to follow your heart?" She laughed and beat on her drum. "So you want my secret recipe?" she said. I said yes. "To follow your heart is as simple as closing your eyes and listening to the rhythm of your soul song. Once you find the beat you will always walk in tune..." (from the Persistence of Yellow by Monique Duval)

that is what i want, to not let fear of that unknown place, a new way of being in this world, hold me back from allowing myself to remove the noise, and in that ensuing silence, let myself hear the rhythm of my soul as it sings...and to live in love, and not in fear, to be fully present in every moment....

old habits not only die hard, they fight back, clawing, biting, and kicking.....i fall back into old patterns again and again.....i find perverse comfort in the familiarty of the self-destructive, soul crippling thoughts.....it doesn't matter what my head knows...it's my heart that needs to hear....

and it will..i will have faith...i will have faith...

six years ago
two little spirits
entered my life
teaching me
how much
love
my heart could hold...

watching them grow
teaches me patience,
and reminds me
to treasure
the moment....

it's a new year......traditionally, it seems, in north america a time for reflecting on the past, for thinking about the future...

what do i say...? where do i begin...? it's taken me half my life to discover who i am, and who i've become (because we're all in the process of becoming, each day of our lives...)

i met someone recently who caused me to hold a mirror up to myself and i saw someone looking back who i hadn't clearly seen before, but who'd always been there...i can only thank her for that...

i'm at a crossroads of sorts (oh, so cliche, but true). i'm starting to take some risks in my life....one of the many is putting down into words the chaos that swirls in my head, in my heart, or in my soul, and putting these words out there....it's scary, but gratifying...kinda like life...?

when was it that hearing the wind began to frighten me?
as a child, i relished it’s strength, loved listening to where it had been

now it speaks to me in different languages
in its unstoppable force, i hear my mortality,
in its battering of the roof top and shaking of the windows, i hear my fears

perhaps i need to go out, to leave my pretend shelter of wood and glass
and meet it in its environment,
and introduce myself to it again...

vulnerabilty....

a scary place to be
for most of us..
we teach ourselves
to be impenetrable
we pride ourselves
on self-sufficiency,
to not need others

and in doing so,
we deny our spirits...

sometimes it's the saying of things
aloud
that makes them true...
that's why we hold back
giving voice to what we know....
because
what we make true
creates who we are

and

sometimes the saying of things
aloud
frees us from self-constructed prisons....
because
giving voice to our experience
allows
us to let it go....
and we then
(re) create who we are

you help me
to make the small forays
out of myself

by lending me
your sight
of this world

by being
who you are

by just being....

my narcotic

was
to go numb...
don't feel
it's too intense
afraid i'd get lost in my mind
never to touch
reality again

the problem with choosing to feel nothing
over feeling the darkness
is that
i'd trained myself,
quite adroitly,
to also question
joy,
and love

i'd chosen perception
over reality,
control
over risking

i'm risking now,
but only a little,
baby steps

i want
to be who
i am
on the inside

i want
to shout out
to the world
what's inside my head
what's inside my heart

i want
to let go
to live it fully
to not be afraid

i want...
like i said,
baby steps...

family

what is it that binds us?
shared memories?
but versions
of our histories
invariably differ.

common references then
to a past recollected....

seeing each other
through a veil
of previous experience

what would we
think of one another
without
the recollections
of what went before?

it’s not the blood that connects us
it’s the choice
to remain,
to be,
family

“you should float between the borders” she says

oh, but i do, I think
i exist between the borders
have dwelt there, and here,
for a lifetime, or two, it seems...

between the borders that define sexuality,
between the borders that define culture, dual identity,
between this living in, and out, of my mind
between the borders of your skin and mine,

boundaries defined and blurred

celebration and denial of self

knowing and not

patience and haste

between, between, between

between here and there
nowhere it seems, at times...

in my vulnerability
in the fragile state
where i feel like
anything
and everything
that touches me
sears my flesh
and blisters my soul,
this is where i find my strength

“Some days bring you more than 24 hours ahead in your life. It’s like your back tires are stuck in the mud, spinning around and around, until suddenly you hit a rock and you take off. Life is like that. It spins over and over in the same place for days, weeks, months, then something happens and you’re blasted light years away from the hole you had dug for yourself.”

Author - Sylvia Olsen

That’s what I’ve been doing these last years, spinning in the mud, waiting for the rock.....

it is one’s capacity to forgive others
it is having compassion
it is behaving with dignity
it is maintaining hope when one’s world is crumbling
it is the power to rebuild one’s life after the night has passed
it is the ability to laugh at one’s self
it is the ability to learn from mistakes
it is the capacity to love again and again.....

numbness serves
when emotions threaten to overwhelm
to drown me
in their shear intensity
until i have no breath
with which to cry out