the first song i heard of hers, from if your memory serves you well,captivated me, so i bought the cd. it was well worth it. there are a few of her own songs (such as "weak in the knees"), and cover tunes of other songs by canadian artists...

her voice draws me in, tantalizing, sexy, and playful...

what does it mean to be brave? many different things to many different people i would guess. a few (well, many) years ago, i read something to the effect that being brave doesn't mean a person is not frightened, it means that a person proceeds even in the face of fear...

i've never had to be brave the way many woman have had to when dealing with a life threatening physical illness. i've never had to battle cancer, or live with ms, or....
summoning up the will to fight for one's life in that arena takes bravery...

but i think many women are brave in so many other ways too.....

sometimes, it's the bravery of a women's decision to bring a child into this world despite her fears about not being able to be the best parent....
sometimes it's found in a woman's difficult decision to not bring a child into this world....

i see bravery in women who make decisions to put parts of their lives on hold in order to provide what they think is the best life for their children....
and i see bravery in in women who realize that they also need to live their lives and their truths even though it is hard for others...

there is bravery in women who have fallen to their knees, but who don't give up, and find a way to stand up again....
there is bravery in women who share their stories, their lows in life, their insecurities, their vulnerabilties...

what is bravery to me?...sometimes it's seen the will to believe that no matter how bad today is, there will be a tomorrow, and it has so many possibilities.....

and, as for me....i am learning that this life is far too short to allow fear or trepidation to confine me anymore....

j.

serena ryder's cd if memory serves you well is playing...(i'm seduced by her voice...)

a night was spent around the kitchen table sharing good food, wine, conversation, laughter, stories....and now the table has been cleared, the candles extinguished, the guests gone home...

let me leave the dishes until tomorrow...let me just feel the fullness of now....i'm learning to do that - feeling the now. and it's a challenge, trying to not dwell on yesterday or plan for tomorrow...just feeling the now, 'cause that is all there ever really is....

bon nuit...

okay, time to come out of the closet (so to speak) and put a face to my words...
this is me...

the wind is howling today,
echoing my state of mind...


it's been a rough ride these last weeks. both the acknowledged, and the unacknowledged, beating their wings on my consciousness, demanding attention...

and i've retreated....

while the storm continues...

what tethers
me
to this life,
to this existence?

like a puff of smoke
i yearn
to float upward,
and dissapate
into a million
minute
fragments,
swirling
over the earth...

"live with intention"
...more to come on this one...

scar tissue hardens
below the surface
protecting me
in my ignorance
of thinking
what i needed
was no one but myself
and the resolve to
be strong

buried below are
years
of hurt
of tears
of confusion...

wounds that
can not be tended to
until i can open
them
to the air

i move slow
i cannot tear it out

i have to gently soften,
and slip it aside,
to tend to the past,
to heal the present,
to greet the future

i looked at her and said, "i feel like i've been grieving for a year."
she raised her brows only slightly, recognizing maybe, that there was much more that i needed to be talking about....

i've had a few losses in the past year. one of them was my life long held assumption that one day i would be a biological mother to a child i could call my own... one who i could see myself in, and who i could nurture and help grow into a strong, loving compassionate adult...

but i waited too long, so mixed in with feelings is the demon of regret... i want to be angry about the loss, but the only one i can direct that at is me...and i don't want to do that to myself anymore...i am realizing that in my grieving, i will also have to find a way to forgive myself....

another uncannny "quiz" result...i do enjoy the early morning before the world awakes....and i love the line "you are long sips of...coffee..."

thanks shazza for the site.

here's the time if day i am... :)

"You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky."

a long, full day...a good day.

i talked,
i was listened to.
i laughed,
i made others laugh.

i'm tired,
and that is good.

i want to sleep....
deeply...
deeply...
deeply...
and awake,
again,
to a new day
full of possibilities....

i want to run away...i really, really want to just run away for a while. i don't know exactly why the desire is so strong in me right now. maybe it's part january blues, but i think there's something more....
i used to want to run away from my life and never come back. just disappear, start over in a new place and recreate myself.
this time it's not that (thankfully). that was about trying to run away from myself. this is something different...
anyhow, i have a week or so off coming up next month and the two places calling me right now are mexico and paris.... mexico - a sundrenched beach with warm breezes and cool marguaritas....paris - real chocolate croissants and cafe au lait for breakfast, and a visit or two to the louvre....
what to do....
if i think about it practically, i should stay home. it would be financially wiser, and i could spend time with my nephews....but i think i might be done with practicality this year. i think this year, i might throw caution to the wind and listen to my impractical, carefree impulses....

of all the quizzes i've taken, this one is freakily close... at least i think so... j. What My Name Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

today, part 2 - "issues with people"

i never considered myself beautiful. i have features that do not fit popular culture's standards of beauty. my parents let me know early in life that i wasn't perfect (i know it's not unusual....many people have similar stories). so i decided that i would make myself beautiful "on the inside". to my young mind that meant being nice. it meant not letting people feel uncomfortable. it meant not showing people when i was sad or angry. it meant ignoring insensitive comments, or not calling people on their rudeness. it meant ignoring or hiding my feelings when people did or said things that hurt me...i would think that if i was good, and nice, and thoughtful, and calm, and peaceful, and sensitive to others, that it would make up for....well, for anything else i was lacking... and it would mean that i would not have to be alone....

and now...i'm finally realizing how wrong i was. i'm realizing that i let some people treat me with less than what i deserved, with less respect, with less caring.... i am realizing now that this was all a part of allowing people to not value me because i did not think myself as worthwhile as everyone else....because i did not value myself..

did not value myself...

the words hang there...still raw....

but i'm learning.

and i'm going to have to learn how to not put up with less than i deserve anymore...i'm going to learn to say "fuck you" to people when i need to.... i'm going to learn to be okay with not making other people happy...i'm going to learn how to say when enough is enough....because i'm done....i'm just done.

today, part 1 - "issues with noise"

morning...
on the bus...
the woman behind me has been on her cell phone
since before we boarded...
she is talking non-stop,
loudly...
i turn,
"please...SHUT-UP!"

midday...
i am in a meeting...
animated,
sometimes heated
disussion...
we are told
to ignore
a pre-planned
fire-alarm drill...
the alarms ring and stop,
and ring and stop,
and ring...
i yell
"arrrhg!" mid-sentence.

evening...
i'm in chapters
the phone is ringing
somewhere on the floor...
it rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings...
i pick up the receiver,
and shout into it,
"there is nobody here!"

that was my day...
sorta...
the woman,
the fire-drill,
the irritating ringing phones...
they happened....

my responses...
...only in my mind....

like waves on the shore,
the understanding
comes close
and recedes

i can feel it
in the air,
fragile tendrils
seeking
their home,
like a whisper
cradled
in my arms

i trace the words with my finger tips
slow sensual curve
strong bold stoke
willing the ink
to seep through
my skin,
for the words
to become body

do you ever have those day when you want to say exactly what pops into your head at any given moment? when you want to uncensor your tongue and say the things you never normally would (because of oh so many reasons)….do you ever have those days when you want to let it all go and be dare the world to call you crazy, insane, erratic, “loop-the fuckin-loop (anyone get that reference?), nuts, etc….

it's the “alice falling down the rabbit hole” feeling….where my mind just swirls, and the boundaries between my impulses and my self-preservation begin to blur….

one of these days, i tell myself, one of these days my id will overthrow ego, and punch super-ego square in the nose...

my lesson

i give this to the universe...i give this to myself...

do not hold tightly...
let go

do not try to make sense of it...
exist

do not try to shape it...
let it be

do not attempt to define...
be open

the intangible

i struggle to make sense,
but the understanding
i try to make
cannot be made
in the mind...

i am looking at
a glass world
in which
i can exist
and not exist,
i can know
and not know,
i can be
and not be...

i see it close and far
i can touch it,
taste it...
in my imagination
only

i am in a
place
of possibilities,
of discordance,
of choice,
and i do not
know how to move

my legs are mud
holding me to this place,
my arms
reaching out
to the universe,
my heart
knows i am
nothing,
and
i am all....