scar tissue hardens
below the surface
protecting me
in my ignorance
of thinking
what i needed
was no one but myself
and the resolve to
be strong

buried below are
years
of hurt
of tears
of confusion...

wounds that
can not be tended to
until i can open
them
to the air

i move slow
i cannot tear it out

i have to gently soften,
and slip it aside,
to tend to the past,
to heal the present,
to greet the future

i looked at her and said, "i feel like i've been grieving for a year."
she raised her brows only slightly, recognizing maybe, that there was much more that i needed to be talking about....

i've had a few losses in the past year. one of them was my life long held assumption that one day i would be a biological mother to a child i could call my own... one who i could see myself in, and who i could nurture and help grow into a strong, loving compassionate adult...

but i waited too long, so mixed in with feelings is the demon of regret... i want to be angry about the loss, but the only one i can direct that at is me...and i don't want to do that to myself anymore...i am realizing that in my grieving, i will also have to find a way to forgive myself....

another uncannny "quiz" result...i do enjoy the early morning before the world awakes....and i love the line "you are long sips of...coffee..."

thanks shazza for the site.

here's the time if day i am... :)

"You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky."

a long, full day...a good day.

i talked,
i was listened to.
i laughed,
i made others laugh.

i'm tired,
and that is good.

i want to sleep....
deeply...
deeply...
deeply...
and awake,
again,
to a new day
full of possibilities....

i want to run away...i really, really want to just run away for a while. i don't know exactly why the desire is so strong in me right now. maybe it's part january blues, but i think there's something more....
i used to want to run away from my life and never come back. just disappear, start over in a new place and recreate myself.
this time it's not that (thankfully). that was about trying to run away from myself. this is something different...
anyhow, i have a week or so off coming up next month and the two places calling me right now are mexico and paris.... mexico - a sundrenched beach with warm breezes and cool marguaritas....paris - real chocolate croissants and cafe au lait for breakfast, and a visit or two to the louvre....
what to do....
if i think about it practically, i should stay home. it would be financially wiser, and i could spend time with my nephews....but i think i might be done with practicality this year. i think this year, i might throw caution to the wind and listen to my impractical, carefree impulses....

of all the quizzes i've taken, this one is freakily close... at least i think so... j. What My Name Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?