i let go... i am letting go of what i use to define myself... because in reality, these things to not define me. they are roles i play, masks i don, pretences i keep... and when the cruches are not enough to hold me, when the created images are not enough to sustain me, i have to let them go...

i've written of how i'm changing parts of who i am. these are the things that i've used to cope, to compensate, to mask other aspects of me, and i let them go to move forward, to make room for what will truly nourish me... to make room for more...

i am learning to live without apology, i am learning to live with a greater sense of my own value...

after writing the post about what makes me always smile, i began thinking about one other experience that lifts my spirit. it's something that i've found hard to name. it's a moment, a precious moment, usually when i am by myself, when a certain peacefulnsss settles over me and seeps into my soul. it's a knowledge that no matter what else is going on the the world, or in my life, that all will be well....

i wish i had a name for this moment. these times have been rare, and extremely precious to me....the first one i remember having was as a child, maybe ten years old or so. it was christmas eve, and i was leaning out an opened window in my bedroom on the second floor of our row house, breathing in the fresh cold air. i knew there was no santa, and i had no religious leanings, so i started to wonder what the point of christmas was. "it's about this," i thought. "it's about wishing for peace in the world. it's about caring for each other." i don't think i had the words then, but the feeling i had was that this season was about the expression of love...

another instance of this also occured as a child. i was still quite young, and walking by myself through some old growth forest on haida gwaii. the air was softly pleasant, the forest quiet, the ground beneath me feet a soft and springy bed of moss. i stopped on the little used trail and lay down on my back to stare up with awe at these massively tall cedars, sentinels to our past. "i need to remember this," i thought. "this is special. i won't always have this. most people don't have this experience." somehow i knew that that experience, that connection to the earth was a gift.

i've had a few more similar experiences since. they come randomly and without warning. and i hold on to them as i would a new born babe, gently, and with all my heart.

for those who don't already know, i have suffered from bouts of depression many times in my life. it may be that it i will always have to deal with it, like a recovering alcoholic. or, maybe, i will learn to find a new way of life that doesn't include it. i don't know, and in the grand scheme of things (if there is a grand scheme, and we're not all intangibles in a swirl of random chaos), it doesn't matter, as long as i know that i will have these moments of clarity again, these moments of feeling my soul fragile and full....

someone said to me yesterday that all we are are conduits for love. it comes through us and out to others. all we have to do is learn to accept love fom others first...

and so right now, today, i leave you with this. celebrate something in the next few weeks, whether it be solstice, christmas, or some religious or secular celebration or recognition, with love in your heart. if you can, let it in... and if you can, let it out....

i have a stuffed dancing pig that sings “my girl”...cheesy, ya...but it never fails to make me smile...go figure...

so i start thinking about what else always makes me smile...here’s my list…

my adorable nephews (especially the baby who gets soooo mad)
snow falling
when kids laugh at my stupid jokes
my littlest cat (who I think has adhd…)
my blond curly haired friend
a really good cup of coffee (okay, sometimes it’s an inward smile...people tend to look suspiciously at people sitting by themselves in coffee shops smiling gleefully)
a really good glass of red wine
seeing my mom after a long time apart
people who smile at me
friends who call just to say they miss me
seeing new books by my favorite authors
lots of christmas lights

so what always makes you smile?

the late night is quiet as i sit down...to rest...to think...to reflect...
it's been a learning time for me...hard lessons - i guess the meaningful ones always are...

hands hover over keys, and words come back, fragmented and slow...but they come...

the whisper of a promise

do you see
ribbons of glass
woven with
breath...
do you hear
the beating heart,
held in time...
do you feel
the slow inhale,
and exhale
as fingers
dance over
warm vulnerability...
do you taste
eternity
in the fullness
of now...

i'm supposed to create a link to the person who sent me this meme (kellynerd), but i don't know how...and i'm supposed to send this one on to others, but i don't know if i want to do that quite yet....

here it is...a letter to my thirteen year old self

dear j,

i wish i could be there in your thirteen year old life to help you through the next years of your life. i wish i could help you understand that this life has so much more to offer than you realize. but first, there are a few things you have to know. you are a beautiful, wonderful, talented, wildly creative girl. and you are a good person. i know that you don’t feel that way. i know that you are often sad and angry. it’s okay. you have a right to be. you didn’t deserve what life had in store for you so young. you deserved more. you still do.

it’s not your fault you know...his anger, his abuse. it’s not your fault that you don’t feel loved. she didn’t know how to show it. she didn’t know a lot about raising children. she does love you though. later in life she will try to show it to you. i wish i could be there right now, to hold you, and help you feel safe from the world.

don’t feel the guilt i know you feel now about keeping quiet. it’s a lot to expect from a child who feels alone. and you’re not a freak! you are a whole special being worthy of being appreciated for who you are.

i wish you could know this now....it would help through the rest of your life....you act so tough wearing that chip on you shoulder to fend off the world before it can hurt you any more. but, that chip is going to get heavy. i wish you could let it go, but i guess that will happen when you don’t need it anymore.

you have just moved again. this time to a much bigger town. i know it is never really easy moving so often, and that you will never like this place. the good news is that you will eventually leave there, and not look back.

i know that you will also not like going to school, but don’t worry, you’ll make it through, and go on to university like you always thought you would. your parents will be proud. but more importantly, it will help you become a more assertive person. you will find your voice. years from now you will find it mildly amusing to be doing what you do for a living.

you will move to the city when you are twenty, and life will seem to open up. parties, drinking, drugs...you will continue to live a life of transience, moving once or twice a year. you will be good at that, learning to adapt to new situations. it is one of your strengths. you have a lot of them. i wish you could know that. you will make many new friends, and some of them will stay with you for many years. many more others will fade away, but that’s okay...that damien guy will be in your life a while – you’ll get a crush on him, but don’t worry too much about it. one day he’s going to stop being the west-end party boy, get married to a very sweet guy, and adopt two kids....

in the meantime you are going to see a lot of this province and country, live in many places, and meet many people. you will try to make up for your first twenty years by partying for the next ten...you will have fun, and you will have heartache; some people you know will die early deaths and that will affect you.

oh ya, all those feelings you are going to have about being different from everyone around you? well, there are real reasons for that. you are different. you suffer from bouts of depression (yes, believe it or not, kids can have it to) you just won’t have a name for it. you eventually will, and one day long from now, you will finally do something about it.

and all these guys you're going to pine for, or have brief meaningless relationships with? don’t worry, one day they will mean very little to you. you will understand that you weren’t meant to be with them. one day, after a long journey of feeling out of synch with people around you, you will realize that you actually prefer women, and it will feel like you are finally home...

you are going to take a long time deciding what you want to do in life, and even longer getting there, but you will. and along the way, you will have more regrets...you will not be a mother like you always thought you would be...your life will not turn out like you think it might...you will struggle to deal with that...but, life is like that....there will be days and nights when you feel like your soul is breaking, but you will survive.

i wish i could go back in time to talk with you now, to be there for you so that you don’t have to spend so many years feeling so alone. you will know that your family loved you in their own ways, but, unfortunately, it will take you some time to accept that. you will have a difficult time letting anybody into your life...you will have trouble letting people know who you are, but it will happen. your brothers will meet wonderful women who they will marry, and one of your sisters-in-law will become another sister to you. knowing that she cares about and loves you will help you in hard times. oh ya, and she will bring boys into this world who will help you understand what it is like to love unconditionally...

this one will come as a shocker. you are going to move back to the town you were born in and live there for quite a while. yes, i know, you said never...but hey...it happens...

you are going to meet someone later in life who helps you to see that your life can be lived differently. she will always mean a great deal to you, although maybe not in the way you first envision. by the way, technology is going to enter your life in ways you can not now imagine...cells phones and computers will become you right arm....don’t laugh...it’s true...this technology will open up even more of the world for you...

you will have a rough time for a while, yet again questioning life....but again, you will come through...don’t quite know how yet. i wish my sixty year old self were able to write a letter to my current self, and let me know it goes, and i could tell you...i guess i’ll just have to trust in my knowledge, my resources, and my strength...

if i could give you one (well, more than one) piece of advice to change your life? don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks. be proud of your uniqueness, don't take yourself so seriously, take more risks...and laugh...baby, just laugh...

you know when life catches up to you and - whoompf - just sets you on your ass? mine just did that to me again…and this time i’m listening…

i know that i’m not the only person to feel as though i'm not fully living…to “go through the motions”, to over-compensate in some areas for what is lacking in the others….and i know that i’m not the only one who has crisis of…(well, not exactly faith, as i do not subscribe to any formal religious beliefs…)…well, a crisis of belief i guess, belief in myself…belief in others…belief that we matter…belief that if i say what i think, i won’t fall off the earth…

how do i change who i am? and yes, i do have to do that. as odd as it sounds to my own ears, i have to become myself…and how do i do that after all these years of ingrained habits, learned fears, self-censoring…? with work, with stepping outside my comfort zones in many areas, with taking risks, with breathing, and with taking one day at a time....

”I want to be less predictable, more various and flexible and hospitable to surprise...I want to be inconvenient and alive.”

i read those words last week, and since then that last phrase has been circling in my brain, and rolling around in my mouth...

...i want to be inconvenient and alive...
...i want to be inconvenient and alive...

what does it mean? it means that i want to live a life for me...not for how others perceive me......i want to be inconvenient and alive...i want to not care if i look foolish, or stupid, or incompetent. ...i want to be inconvenient and alive...i want to be okay with being disorganized if i want to be, or lazy, or selfish.......i want to be inconvenient and alive...i want to not worry that i’m making someone uncomfortable with how i am, or what i say, or what i want...

...i want to be inconvenient and alive...

i want to shout those words out to the world....because i need to hear myself say them over and over again, until i know that in all of who i am - the stuff i love, the stuff i hate, and the stuff i try to hide from the world – i am worthy of everything this world has to offer...

...i want to be inconvenient and alive...

she closes her eyes...
imagining...

a battle hardened body
scarred with
the markings
of past skirmishes fought
and won,

the worn hilt of her sword
a testimony
to her mastery...

oh, the body-felt yearning...
to live in a time
when she could have
travelled a countryside,
carrying her sword,
and slain a dragon or two...
with an easy knowledge
of enemies
that could be vanquished
for the good of all...

it would be easier
(she thinks)

than the life
she creates here,
in this seemingly mundane world,
where the dragons,
though invisible,
are no less real...

where the scars
she carries
to mark her battles
score only
her heart
and weigh
on her soul....

and where
her lined face
is the only testimony
of her resilience,
and strength...

i'm going away for the week-end....not for work this time...(yeah!)...just for myself...
i'm going to a writing retreat. i've never been to one before, so it's a little intimidating...but only a little...and, hopefully, this week-end i'll have some fun and relax...

i encountered this poem a while ago, by a writer named joy harjo. i put it up in my place of work. it reminds me of good times, of family, of friends, of sitting together in conversation, of time spent measuring the passage of our lives through the stories we share...

"Perhaps The World Ends Here"

The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what, we must eat
to live.

The gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the table. So it
has been since creation, and it will go on.

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe at the cor-
ners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that children are given instructions on what it means to be
human. We make men at it, we make women.

At this table we gossip, recall enemies and the ghosts of lovers.

Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms around our
children. They laugh with us at our poor falling-down selves and as
we put ourselves back together once again at the table.

This table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun.

Wars have begun and ended at this table. It is a place to hide in the
shadow of terror. A place to celebrate the terrible victory.

We have given birth on this table, and have prepared our parents for
burial here.

At this table we sing with joy, with sorrow. We pray of suffering
and remorse. We give thanks.

Perhaps the world will end at the kitchen table, while we are laugh-
ing and crying, eating of the last sweet bite.

and for something completely different (isn't that a line from an old tv show...?)

Six Random Facts/Habits About Myself That I Haven’t Already Posted

...thanks to Nerdgirl….remember about karma… :)

1. i once traveled from fort st. john, bc to london, england for a whirlwind four day week-end…got drunk in the toronto airport…hmmm memories…

2. i, unfortunately, am a speed demon when it comes to driving on the highway….luckily, no tickets yet…

3. my favorite job before my current profession was as a bartender in a bar with “exotic dancers”…oh, the stories…

4. i skipped at least ¼ of my classes in grade 12...and i rarely did homework...i was a horrible student…..

5. a few years ago, i drove from the northwest coast of bc to the east coast of newfoundland by myself. i wanted to see this country, and i’ve now seen most of it….i’d do it again, but not by myself…there is such a thing as having too much time to think…

6. i have a gutter mouth. i like to swear. i don’t do it at work, but away from work, i find it rather cathartic….

now i have to pass this on....swann, alan, and paul - it's your turn...

we're supposed to be tough...independent...supposed be strong and move on...that's what i told myself about life...that's what many of us think, or do...or try to do.....

but, in the realities of our our existences, this is not what happens...we move on, not having dealt with the myriad of issues we face, or experiences we live through...and inevitably, the past catches up to us...it surfaces no matter how hard, or how fast, we run...no matter what obstacles we try to put in the way, how many untruths we convince ourselves of in our attempts to cope...

and when the past does catch up, and forces us to look into its dark recesses, we can begin to know who we really are...for in the struggle to bring light into those dark places, we can also begin to know the potential of who we can be...

i write this for myself, for those who have been there, and for those who are there now....for someone i know curled up in his hospital room not able to deal with the world and what he has lost in it anymore...

i write this because i feel hope...for the first time in a long time....and because there are always first steps...

when we part
it is in body only...
i carry you
in my heart,
to warm me
when i'm alone...

you anchor me to this world,
when i feel lost,
and hold me fast
when i might
fly away....

and you give me strength
when i am tired,
strength
to continue
to explore
to discover
to grow...

close your eyes...

your senses heighten...

you can hear the close, soft, rhythmical
lapping of the waves against the shoreline...
ebb and flow...
you hear the faint cries of distant birds...
you feel the soft caress of the warm breeze dance across your skin...
you smell the salty air, lushly ripe with the sweet scent of creamy mango and milky coconut...

the warm sea beckons...

you open your eyes...
and walk slowly into her...
gentle waves tickling
your ankles,
your calves,
your thighs,
until
she enfolds you
in her silky arms,
and you float softly,
gently falling and rising
with the passing of each wave...

you are home...

highs
and lows,
elation
and despair...

the randomness of life...

just when
the ground
feels solid
for a moment,
you take a breath...
"it's going to be okay"

that's when
a word,
a comment,
or
a memory,
trips you.

and you fall
again,
off
the earth

i'm sitting on the skytrain watching people. the air is faintly sour with the dampness so many people on a wet, grey day. i wonder if i am seeing the day reflected in the dreary faces of the strangers getting on and off at each stop, or if i'm projecting what i'm feeling onto them...

i see a hardened thin man, silver rings glinting off each finger, rise from his seat, and reach far under another row to fish out an empty coke can rolling around the floor. i am thinking that he must need the few cents he will get for recycling it... instead, i see him raise the empty can to his lips and try to suck out whatever drops of sugary liquid that remain...i think that must have been a powerful thirst....and i wonder what chemical substances in him are causing his body to scream for such nourishment...

i had a long day yesterday... gave a couple of workshops , which always exhausts me, wanting to make sure that i haven't wasted the time of those who came to learn....met, and made, a new sweet, funny, intelligent friend who i new previously only through her blog...went to a hockey game, sat beside a dear friend i care so much about, cheered along my team, who didn't win in the end (but that was okay)...and sat for a few minutes with more friends, winding up the day over a drink and a chat.

it was good. it was busy. no time for reflection - just trying to stay with the moments...

i didn't get my walk in the crisp fall air, crunching the dried leaves of autumn. the rains turned the leaves, and sidewalks they rest on, slick with wetness. but maybe later during my next visit...

i'm still trying to process so many things. i keep thinking that i can get things worked out in my mind..like i have a task to work through, then i'll feel better about what i have and won't have in my life. maybe that's where i go wrong. maybe i can't work it through. maybe i can't make myself feel okay about where i am (figuratively). maybe i just have to keep living my life day to day. keep making contact with people, and trust that i'll be okay in the end...

stars cry,
diamond dust
thickly
coating
her salty skin,
shattered shards
of promise...

grey quiet
camoflauges
turmoil,
anxious energy
bound,
tightly harnessed
to
be still...

while

cells implode,
hot,
bitter,
piercing
her fractured
soul,
promises
of uncertainty...

....and breathe...

i am reminded
of paul simon's
"i am a rock",
but i am not
and
i need
2
learn
2 be
ok
with asking
4 help

lesson learned...
wanted
to believe
it could be
different...
wanted to
believe
that people would
be there
when i
needed someone...
wanted to
believe.

the rain is still falling, the sky still a blanket of dull grey...and as i look out into it, i am thinking that it is a metaphor for how i've been feeling the last couple of weeks...i've been walking around doing what i need to so, putting on a smile when i need to, engaging in conversation when i have to, and all the time feeling quite dark and low...
all i do is lay on the couch and watch t.v., and eat junk - lots of it. i decline invitations to socialize, not wanting to be around anyone but a few people at a time...i've been here before, many times...i just try to ride it out, hoping that something will turn, something will click, and the grey will separate to reveal the vibrant colours that i know exist somewhere.
i know this happens for many people. i'm not unique in feeling depressed...

and i know the reasons i'm here...some i can work on resolving... others will have to wait for time to pass. i know i need to get outside into some fresh air and get some exercise, but instead, i curse the damn rain...i need to stop waiting for something to shift the grey, i need to do it myself...

okay, enough is enough...this fucking rain is driving me nuts...

"short and silly"

a phrase he used to describe the lives we all lead.

yes, so short - mere specs in a grand scheme of things...if one believes in a grand scheme...
and yes, so silly - our worries, our concerns, our angst. which ones will matter in a hundred years...?

we waste so much time being angry, being sad, being resentful. we choose to not forgive, we choose to hold on to pain. and it's such a waste.... we will all be gone soon, our lives having briefly touched others, then gone.

i do not advocate an artificial "pollyanna" approach to life. we do get hurt, we are wounded... even anger has its place...we do what we feel we must...we survive...and to do that we must acknowledge our experience....and some of those experiences infuse our bodies, to be carried with us throughout the rest of our lives...

but i think sometimes we look through small windows, and we become focussed on one vision...and it eclipses all else... sometimes, we let ourselves drown in things that shouldn't shape our lives...

my life is short...i will remember that....i will appreciate the moments.
my life is silly...i will know that...and i will live it, and let it be...

the following words are not mine. they belong to a poet - connie fife. these healing words are magic to me...

Distances

last night
deep in the
womb of
mother earth
my prayers
for you
whispered to
my grandmothers
were answered.
on this night
the spirits
will protect
you
in ways
i
cannot.
pull those blankets
closer
to
your
woman’s skin,
wrap yourself
in blankets
of snow
under
skies of
woman’s color
and once,
only once,
acknowledge the
spirits
who will
watch over you
in ways i
cannot while
so many miles
away.
know they are strong
and willing
to protect
you
in this
your most
vulnerable state.
on this
night
touch my
hair
as i too
wrap myself
in blankets
of snow

hmmm...i just realized it's been almost a year since this began...what a ride...

i've been rereading some of my old posts...some feel like i wrote them just yesterday.
i think about how i pushed myself out of my comfort zone, how i put my words out there for others to read, to interpret as they will. and i think about the pieces of others' lives i've had glimpses into...
that's what this is about, to me anyway....sharing a little of our humanity, walking a step or two with each other on our journeys.
in the last year i've had some "aha" moments (one really big one), some dark scary times, and some warm, joyful memories. i've laughed and cried, and i've celebrated and mourned...what life is all about i suppose...
and i've written a little, not nearly what i want to, or what i need to. but it's a start.

and i thank each person who has stopped by in this virtual substitute for a cup of coffee (or glass of wine) at a kitchen table, for taking the time to respond, or just to read.

a year...

who is that person
i was today

tired,
angry,
short-tempered

i see her too often

and she's not who i want to be.

i want days
filled

with patience,
with forgiveness,
with gentler words,
with more laughter...

live the life i value

my heart goes out to j.

it looked like
the flu...but it wasn't

it was leukemia...
and three days later
her beautiful
13 year old
daughter
is gone...

like breath itself....

letting go
has never been my forte

this past year
i’ve had to learn
to let go

it wasn’t easy,
it still isn’t easy...

and now
i may have to let go
of something else
a hope...
a desire...

and again,
i don’t know
if i know how

when will i decide to let the universe
take me where it will?

i take it for granted sometimes,

this place where i live

until i look out the window at work

and see the deer grazing on the grass.

this one was taking a rest in my back yard...

beautiful, peaceful creatures

the cat has the right idea...today i'd like to curl up in a bucket and ignore the world...

it's hard waking at 5:30 a.m.
as usual, i've gone to sleep too late
pull on old sweats,
listening to hear
whether or not i'll need
a rain jacket.
throw one in the car (just in case).
i begin,
stiff and awkward,
joints and muscles resenting
having to move
before my mind
has even fully wakened.
i walk in the dark,
circling the track,
around and around.
old songs
rasping through
my earphones.
each lap
brings a smidgeon
more light into the world,
until
the night fully recedes
to make room
for one
more day...

peace....

"truth is what you get when truth is what you speak"

lines of a song
echo in my soul...
truth
is
what we need
to speak...

when words won't come,
it is
because
i can't find
my truth...

i'd rather
be silent,
than speak
empty words.

i write,
and delete...
and write,
and delete...
as truth
evades me

ah, sometimes i have to wonder about my sanity. it's been a hard couple of days. i've been riding too many waves of emtional highs and lows... i think it's time to do some soul searching, and to ask myself some questions about what i want to be doing with the rest of my life. it seems i'm in a holding pattern, and i don't want to be here anymore. i need to move on. i just don't know to what or to where....

...a bit of frivolity...



the funny thing (to me at least) is that i once thought i knew myself (ah, hubris)...since then i've let that fallacy go....
the fun part of this test was reading what my personality type (INTP) means...hmmm...food for thought...

i wake up often now and wonder where the last ten years went. i just closed my eyes for a moment and when i opened them, i was a decade older. it's all too precious to take for granted, our years here, and i forget that.

i don't fear growing older; i fear the regret of a life not fully lived...to have loved and have been loved. but fear stops me from living right now, being fully present in every moment that i'm awake.

life is a sequence of memories, snapshots of images and emotions we carry with us. when i am in the latter years of my life (should i be graced with that opportunity) i want to make sure that the majority of my life experiences have nourished my soul and expanded my understanding of life...

quiet
for a while,
months
of ups
and downs,
of just
holding on
sometimes,
paddling
to keep
afloat

everything matters
and
nothing matters

i create my life
i know this,
so why
do i create
this one?

i laugh every day
i cry every day
i feel numb at times every day
i am scorched at times every day

no wonder i feel tired....

i have lost myself
again,
been here before
am trying to remember
my way back

a few days off
...needed...

a grey week
a sad week,

it feels like mourning,
a loss
of something

emotional toll

and physical,

it will
pass
life has its way,
we move on
sometimes we heal,
sometimes not....

"i felt so alone",
she asked "why" i would chose this,
for i had....

i didn't have an answer...
i'd been keeping to myself
as far back
as my earliest memories,
internal monologues...
conversations only imagined...

i did not
talk aloud
about
my hurts,
my wants,
my fears,
my heart...

those closest
to me
never really
knew me...

self-imposed limits
with family,
friendships that stopped
at imagined boundaries...

too many thoughts left
unuttered,
too many tears
shed
in solitude only,
too many words
left
unsaid...

just a way
of being
in this
world...
so many years,
normal,
my way...

now,
i know
other possibilities,
others ways...

it's hard
to live differently,
to challenge
myself,

i am creating
a new
way of being,
talking,
sharing,
allowing others
to know me....

and she
will continue
to ask me why,
when i
slip back into
solitude,
and i thank her
for that...

a trip to the city and my first canucks game....it was great...(despite the intense consumerism...)

i have a memory of my wiry, wrinkled grandmother sitting in her rocking chair six feet from the small old tv, intent on Canada vs Russia 1972....and other flashes of my mother at whl games, swearing up a storm when the team she favoured gave up a goal....it's in the genes i guess...

p.s. the canucks won....!

we create
what we want
in each other,
filling in
spaces
between
what
we hope for,
and
what is...
as
we imagine
each other
into
being...

a rant...

someone once said "waiting for the world to change is like looking in a mirror, and saying you go first"....

we can't wait for things to change - we are our own catalysts for change....if we want a better world in which to live, then each of us has the responsibility to stand up (and out at times) for what we believe...and what i believe is that homophobia is bigotry...and bigotry should never go unchallenged....

i write about this now because i'm so angered by the casual attitude with which people can talk about being either homophobic, or "uncomfortable" with someone who is gay... this is bigotry, and it is as vile as racism....unfortunately, it seems to an acceptable form of bigotry these days....and people who would blanche at being thought a racist still think it quite acceptable to "disapprove" of gay people (which is, in fact, a form of homophobia)...and it is also poison...less aggressive than outright bashing, but as deadly nonetheless....

and i'm angered when someone i care for so deeply gets hurt by people in her life she cares for...she deserves people bigger than their smallness in her life...

on the other end of the spectrum (or is it on another ring of the spiral) i have to write her about my sister-in-law... she's changing the world in how she lives her life, and in how she teaches her children to see the world... her sons are are taught to not hate people..her sons are taught to celebrate diversity - in the world, and in our family...this is how the world changes...children who grow up knowing that a man can love a man, and a woman can love a woman, and that all are full and complete in who they are...

i haven't had to go through the struggle that many have...i haven't had family deny who i am (yet), or friends distance themselves (yet)....i don't know if or when it will happen, or how i will react...i can imagine anger...it's an easy one for me...but i don't know yet....

i guess i found a few words...

i sit here yet again
struggling to find the words,
and yet again they escape me.

word after word, phrase after phrase
i try on for size,
but they do not fit,
so i send them back.

my heart doesn't hear words...
it hears
the spaces that exist in between
the words we speak,
in what is not said,
in that land of possibility
that exists
in the places in between...

fractured thoughts
trying to find their way
into being

i have not been fully here for some time,
it's a hard place and space to be

yoga and pilates
both waking up my body
like the slow morning stretch
that moves us into the day

i didn’t know that muscles in my toes could hurt...
my back has to relearn how to curl and uncurl....
there are some muscles that it is hard to remember to keep clenched while others are doing their thing....

i’m sore
and it feels good...

where i live....on a calm day....

and i can....and i do....slow, measured, deep breaths.....one at a time....over and over....with daylight comes perspective....with daylight comes another step of the journey....

i'm drowning....
i sink
deep into
cold dark waters....
i kick
and struggle to the surface
gulping air,
thrashing frantically
to stay afloat,
before my body slides
again beneath the waves
and my lungs burn....
over,
and over,
and over,
i dream about
warmth, and oxygen, and light....
but feel
only
a dark, cold, loneliness....


maybe tomorrow i'll breath again....

our stories....

nigerian storyteller ben okri says that "...we live by stories, we also live in them. One way or another we are living the stories planted in us early or along the way, or we are also living the stories we planted - knowingly or unknowingly - in ourselves. We live stories that either give our lives meaning or negate it with meaninglessness. If we change the stories we live by, quite possibly we change our lives."

i think that is what many of us are doing here in this medium, telling our stories, defining who we are to the world (and to ourselves) through our stories

i have defined myself by the stories of my life....the roots of most of my stories (most of our stories) are found in childhood. i learned who i was by those experiences. it was then that i began to tell myself stories of who i was (am).... i have lived by these stories, and have reinforced them time and time again through the years. the sad thing is that these are not positive stories. they are hurtful, and no less because i'm the one who tells them to myself.....i know that i am not defined by my childhood, but i am defined by what i believe about myself, and much of that echoes back to then....

so, how to change my stories, the ones i tell myself that try to silence my voice....the ones i tell myself about who i am that cause me to want to retreat back into my fortress, to not talk to the people i care about, or write...

this is how....by just doing it....

"... and what does it mean," I asked, "to follow your heart?" She laughed and beat on her drum. "So you want my secret recipe?" she said. I said yes. "To follow your heart is as simple as closing your eyes and listening to the rhythm of your soul song. Once you find the beat you will always walk in tune..." (from the Persistence of Yellow by Monique Duval)

that is what i want, to not let fear of that unknown place, a new way of being in this world, hold me back from allowing myself to remove the noise, and in that ensuing silence, let myself hear the rhythm of my soul as it sings...and to live in love, and not in fear, to be fully present in every moment....

old habits not only die hard, they fight back, clawing, biting, and kicking.....i fall back into old patterns again and again.....i find perverse comfort in the familiarty of the self-destructive, soul crippling thoughts.....it doesn't matter what my head knows...it's my heart that needs to hear....

and it will..i will have faith...i will have faith...

six years ago
two little spirits
entered my life
teaching me
how much
love
my heart could hold...

watching them grow
teaches me patience,
and reminds me
to treasure
the moment....

it's a new year......traditionally, it seems, in north america a time for reflecting on the past, for thinking about the future...

what do i say...? where do i begin...? it's taken me half my life to discover who i am, and who i've become (because we're all in the process of becoming, each day of our lives...)

i met someone recently who caused me to hold a mirror up to myself and i saw someone looking back who i hadn't clearly seen before, but who'd always been there...i can only thank her for that...

i'm at a crossroads of sorts (oh, so cliche, but true). i'm starting to take some risks in my life....one of the many is putting down into words the chaos that swirls in my head, in my heart, or in my soul, and putting these words out there....it's scary, but gratifying...kinda like life...?