today, part 2 - "issues with people"

i never considered myself beautiful. i have features that do not fit popular culture's standards of beauty. my parents let me know early in life that i wasn't perfect (i know it's not unusual....many people have similar stories). so i decided that i would make myself beautiful "on the inside". to my young mind that meant being nice. it meant not letting people feel uncomfortable. it meant not showing people when i was sad or angry. it meant ignoring insensitive comments, or not calling people on their rudeness. it meant ignoring or hiding my feelings when people did or said things that hurt me...i would think that if i was good, and nice, and thoughtful, and calm, and peaceful, and sensitive to others, that it would make up for....well, for anything else i was lacking... and it would mean that i would not have to be alone....

and now...i'm finally realizing how wrong i was. i'm realizing that i let some people treat me with less than what i deserved, with less respect, with less caring.... i am realizing now that this was all a part of allowing people to not value me because i did not think myself as worthwhile as everyone else....because i did not value myself..

did not value myself...

the words hang there...still raw....

but i'm learning.

and i'm going to have to learn how to not put up with less than i deserve anymore...i'm going to learn to say "fuck you" to people when i need to.... i'm going to learn to be okay with not making other people happy...i'm going to learn how to say when enough is enough....because i'm done....i'm just done.

today, part 1 - "issues with noise"

morning...
on the bus...
the woman behind me has been on her cell phone
since before we boarded...
she is talking non-stop,
loudly...
i turn,
"please...SHUT-UP!"

midday...
i am in a meeting...
animated,
sometimes heated
disussion...
we are told
to ignore
a pre-planned
fire-alarm drill...
the alarms ring and stop,
and ring and stop,
and ring...
i yell
"arrrhg!" mid-sentence.

evening...
i'm in chapters
the phone is ringing
somewhere on the floor...
it rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings...
i pick up the receiver,
and shout into it,
"there is nobody here!"

that was my day...
sorta...
the woman,
the fire-drill,
the irritating ringing phones...
they happened....

my responses...
...only in my mind....

like waves on the shore,
the understanding
comes close
and recedes

i can feel it
in the air,
fragile tendrils
seeking
their home,
like a whisper
cradled
in my arms

i trace the words with my finger tips
slow sensual curve
strong bold stoke
willing the ink
to seep through
my skin,
for the words
to become body

do you ever have those day when you want to say exactly what pops into your head at any given moment? when you want to uncensor your tongue and say the things you never normally would (because of oh so many reasons)….do you ever have those days when you want to let it all go and be dare the world to call you crazy, insane, erratic, “loop-the fuckin-loop (anyone get that reference?), nuts, etc….

it's the “alice falling down the rabbit hole” feeling….where my mind just swirls, and the boundaries between my impulses and my self-preservation begin to blur….

one of these days, i tell myself, one of these days my id will overthrow ego, and punch super-ego square in the nose...

my lesson

i give this to the universe...i give this to myself...

do not hold tightly...
let go

do not try to make sense of it...
exist

do not try to shape it...
let it be

do not attempt to define...
be open

the intangible

i struggle to make sense,
but the understanding
i try to make
cannot be made
in the mind...

i am looking at
a glass world
in which
i can exist
and not exist,
i can know
and not know,
i can be
and not be...

i see it close and far
i can touch it,
taste it...
in my imagination
only

i am in a
place
of possibilities,
of discordance,
of choice,
and i do not
know how to move

my legs are mud
holding me to this place,
my arms
reaching out
to the universe,
my heart
knows i am
nothing,
and
i am all....