i looked at her and said, "i feel like i've been grieving for a year."
she raised her brows only slightly, recognizing maybe, that there was much more that i needed to be talking about....
i've had a few losses in the past year. one of them was my life long held assumption that one day i would be a biological mother to a child i could call my own... one who i could see myself in, and who i could nurture and help grow into a strong, loving compassionate adult...
but i waited too long, so mixed in with feelings is the demon of regret... i want to be angry about the loss, but the only one i can direct that at is me...and i don't want to do that to myself anymore...i am realizing that in my grieving, i will also have to find a way to forgive myself....
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(Update: this blog documented in words a journey, a transition into a new place of being...don't say you weren't warned...)
About Me
- jl
- Hmmm...irreverant comes to mind....hopefully there's more to me than that. I started this blog to try to document some of my journey, past and present...
Blog Archive
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2008
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February
(6)
- scar tissue hardensbelow the surfaceprotecting mei...
- i looked at her and said, "i feel like i've been g...
- another uncannny "quiz" result...i do enjoy the ea...
- a long, full day...a good day.i talked,i was liste...
- i want to run away...i really, really want to just...
- of all the quizzes i've taken, this one is freakil...
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February
(6)
my idiosycrasies...in no particular order...
1. i value honesty
2. i'm addicted to luxury hotels
3. i am usually reserved with people
4. i don't make friends easily
5. i love good food
6. i like to talk about myself, but usually only do when asked
7. i'm addicted to coffee - but only good coffee
8. i can make small talk, but secretly hate it
9. i'm hyper aware of people's "energy".
10. i don't like bratty children
11. i love a good read
12. i am a procrastinator
13. when i'm in a bad mood, it's easy to get me out of it.
14. i am an extremely light sleeper
15. i don't like shallow, flaky people
16. i won't fight for conversation space in a group
17. i am a loyal friend
18. i believe that there is always more than one side to a story
19. i am a horrible student
20. i don't like liars
21. i don't "play games" with people
22. i do like real games though
23. a great night is spent with a few close friends
24. i get anxious when i'm not organized
25. i want to see the world
26. i believe in love
27. i believe in forgiveness
28. i hate being taken for granted
29. i like to dress up to go to the opera once in a while
30. i like to wear comfy sweats and skechers
31. i have to have popcorn when i go to the movies
32. i like british movies
33. i'm a tv addict
34. i admire compassionate people
35. i don't like christmas hype
36. i like to cook for people
37. i don't like people who i can't rely on
38. i'm at home when i'm on the water (which i don't do enough)
39. i'm a recovering shoe-aholic
40. ...to be continued...
2. i'm addicted to luxury hotels
3. i am usually reserved with people
4. i don't make friends easily
5. i love good food
6. i like to talk about myself, but usually only do when asked
7. i'm addicted to coffee - but only good coffee
8. i can make small talk, but secretly hate it
9. i'm hyper aware of people's "energy".
10. i don't like bratty children
11. i love a good read
12. i am a procrastinator
13. when i'm in a bad mood, it's easy to get me out of it.
14. i am an extremely light sleeper
15. i don't like shallow, flaky people
16. i won't fight for conversation space in a group
17. i am a loyal friend
18. i believe that there is always more than one side to a story
19. i am a horrible student
20. i don't like liars
21. i don't "play games" with people
22. i do like real games though
23. a great night is spent with a few close friends
24. i get anxious when i'm not organized
25. i want to see the world
26. i believe in love
27. i believe in forgiveness
28. i hate being taken for granted
29. i like to dress up to go to the opera once in a while
30. i like to wear comfy sweats and skechers
31. i have to have popcorn when i go to the movies
32. i like british movies
33. i'm a tv addict
34. i admire compassionate people
35. i don't like christmas hype
36. i like to cook for people
37. i don't like people who i can't rely on
38. i'm at home when i'm on the water (which i don't do enough)
39. i'm a recovering shoe-aholic
40. ...to be continued...
Links
6 comments:
Yes, give yourself time to grieve and forgive yourself, it's time you allow yourself to be/find happiness! It's ok to have wanted the whole dream, not only a child but a life partner to raise that child with!
Maybe you will not have a child with your red hair or fabulous cheek bones but you can still see yourself in a child you adopt....you can see the parts that really matter, the stuff from the inside that make you you! all your love and compassion, your passion for learning and words! if you do decide to adopt any child that you raise and love will be very lucky and would grow into a strong, loving compassionate adult!
love you.
Blood doesn't make a family. And yes, time to let go and forgive yourself. If you truly want a child, you can still find a way to make that happen. Maybe not a biological child, but that hardly matters when it comes to loving one.
Echoing swann's & maria's comments. Adding only, may peace be with you.
The hardest one for us to forgive is ourselves...if we can learn how then all else becomes possible, I think!
alan
I agree with Maria. My mom gave birth to five babies but had no children of her own.
You'll be a mom if you want to be, regardless of the genetics of it, and your child will reflect your heart.
(hugs)
thank-you swann, and maria, and only dughter, and alan, and prin....no matter what, it always helps to put my "stuff" out here, and have it heard...
j.
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