when we part
it is in body only...
i carry you
in my heart,
to warm me
when i'm alone...

you anchor me to this world,
when i feel lost,
and hold me fast
when i might
fly away....

and you give me strength
when i am tired,
strength
to continue
to explore
to discover
to grow...

close your eyes...

your senses heighten...

you can hear the close, soft, rhythmical
lapping of the waves against the shoreline...
ebb and flow...
you hear the faint cries of distant birds...
you feel the soft caress of the warm breeze dance across your skin...
you smell the salty air, lushly ripe with the sweet scent of creamy mango and milky coconut...

the warm sea beckons...

you open your eyes...
and walk slowly into her...
gentle waves tickling
your ankles,
your calves,
your thighs,
until
she enfolds you
in her silky arms,
and you float softly,
gently falling and rising
with the passing of each wave...

you are home...

highs
and lows,
elation
and despair...

the randomness of life...

just when
the ground
feels solid
for a moment,
you take a breath...
"it's going to be okay"

that's when
a word,
a comment,
or
a memory,
trips you.

and you fall
again,
off
the earth

i'm sitting on the skytrain watching people. the air is faintly sour with the dampness so many people on a wet, grey day. i wonder if i am seeing the day reflected in the dreary faces of the strangers getting on and off at each stop, or if i'm projecting what i'm feeling onto them...

i see a hardened thin man, silver rings glinting off each finger, rise from his seat, and reach far under another row to fish out an empty coke can rolling around the floor. i am thinking that he must need the few cents he will get for recycling it... instead, i see him raise the empty can to his lips and try to suck out whatever drops of sugary liquid that remain...i think that must have been a powerful thirst....and i wonder what chemical substances in him are causing his body to scream for such nourishment...

i had a long day yesterday... gave a couple of workshops , which always exhausts me, wanting to make sure that i haven't wasted the time of those who came to learn....met, and made, a new sweet, funny, intelligent friend who i new previously only through her blog...went to a hockey game, sat beside a dear friend i care so much about, cheered along my team, who didn't win in the end (but that was okay)...and sat for a few minutes with more friends, winding up the day over a drink and a chat.

it was good. it was busy. no time for reflection - just trying to stay with the moments...

i didn't get my walk in the crisp fall air, crunching the dried leaves of autumn. the rains turned the leaves, and sidewalks they rest on, slick with wetness. but maybe later during my next visit...

i'm still trying to process so many things. i keep thinking that i can get things worked out in my mind..like i have a task to work through, then i'll feel better about what i have and won't have in my life. maybe that's where i go wrong. maybe i can't work it through. maybe i can't make myself feel okay about where i am (figuratively). maybe i just have to keep living my life day to day. keep making contact with people, and trust that i'll be okay in the end...

stars cry,
diamond dust
thickly
coating
her salty skin,
shattered shards
of promise...

grey quiet
camoflauges
turmoil,
anxious energy
bound,
tightly harnessed
to
be still...

while

cells implode,
hot,
bitter,
piercing
her fractured
soul,
promises
of uncertainty...

....and breathe...

i am reminded
of paul simon's
"i am a rock",
but i am not
and
i need
2
learn
2 be
ok
with asking
4 help

lesson learned...
wanted
to believe
it could be
different...
wanted to
believe
that people would
be there
when i
needed someone...
wanted to
believe.

the rain is still falling, the sky still a blanket of dull grey...and as i look out into it, i am thinking that it is a metaphor for how i've been feeling the last couple of weeks...i've been walking around doing what i need to so, putting on a smile when i need to, engaging in conversation when i have to, and all the time feeling quite dark and low...
all i do is lay on the couch and watch t.v., and eat junk - lots of it. i decline invitations to socialize, not wanting to be around anyone but a few people at a time...i've been here before, many times...i just try to ride it out, hoping that something will turn, something will click, and the grey will separate to reveal the vibrant colours that i know exist somewhere.
i know this happens for many people. i'm not unique in feeling depressed...

and i know the reasons i'm here...some i can work on resolving... others will have to wait for time to pass. i know i need to get outside into some fresh air and get some exercise, but instead, i curse the damn rain...i need to stop waiting for something to shift the grey, i need to do it myself...

okay, enough is enough...this fucking rain is driving me nuts...

"short and silly"

a phrase he used to describe the lives we all lead.

yes, so short - mere specs in a grand scheme of things...if one believes in a grand scheme...
and yes, so silly - our worries, our concerns, our angst. which ones will matter in a hundred years...?

we waste so much time being angry, being sad, being resentful. we choose to not forgive, we choose to hold on to pain. and it's such a waste.... we will all be gone soon, our lives having briefly touched others, then gone.

i do not advocate an artificial "pollyanna" approach to life. we do get hurt, we are wounded... even anger has its place...we do what we feel we must...we survive...and to do that we must acknowledge our experience....and some of those experiences infuse our bodies, to be carried with us throughout the rest of our lives...

but i think sometimes we look through small windows, and we become focussed on one vision...and it eclipses all else... sometimes, we let ourselves drown in things that shouldn't shape our lives...

my life is short...i will remember that....i will appreciate the moments.
my life is silly...i will know that...and i will live it, and let it be...

the following words are not mine. they belong to a poet - connie fife. these healing words are magic to me...

Distances

last night
deep in the
womb of
mother earth
my prayers
for you
whispered to
my grandmothers
were answered.
on this night
the spirits
will protect
you
in ways
i
cannot.
pull those blankets
closer
to
your
woman’s skin,
wrap yourself
in blankets
of snow
under
skies of
woman’s color
and once,
only once,
acknowledge the
spirits
who will
watch over you
in ways i
cannot while
so many miles
away.
know they are strong
and willing
to protect
you
in this
your most
vulnerable state.
on this
night
touch my
hair
as i too
wrap myself
in blankets
of snow

hmmm...i just realized it's been almost a year since this began...what a ride...

i've been rereading some of my old posts...some feel like i wrote them just yesterday.
i think about how i pushed myself out of my comfort zone, how i put my words out there for others to read, to interpret as they will. and i think about the pieces of others' lives i've had glimpses into...
that's what this is about, to me anyway....sharing a little of our humanity, walking a step or two with each other on our journeys.
in the last year i've had some "aha" moments (one really big one), some dark scary times, and some warm, joyful memories. i've laughed and cried, and i've celebrated and mourned...what life is all about i suppose...
and i've written a little, not nearly what i want to, or what i need to. but it's a start.

and i thank each person who has stopped by in this virtual substitute for a cup of coffee (or glass of wine) at a kitchen table, for taking the time to respond, or just to read.

a year...

who is that person
i was today

tired,
angry,
short-tempered

i see her too often

and she's not who i want to be.

i want days
filled

with patience,
with forgiveness,
with gentler words,
with more laughter...

live the life i value