i let go... i am letting go of what i use to define myself... because in reality, these things to not define me. they are roles i play, masks i don, pretences i keep... and when the cruches are not enough to hold me, when the created images are not enough to sustain me, i have to let them go...

i've written of how i'm changing parts of who i am. these are the things that i've used to cope, to compensate, to mask other aspects of me, and i let them go to move forward, to make room for what will truly nourish me... to make room for more...

i am learning to live without apology, i am learning to live with a greater sense of my own value...

after writing the post about what makes me always smile, i began thinking about one other experience that lifts my spirit. it's something that i've found hard to name. it's a moment, a precious moment, usually when i am by myself, when a certain peacefulnsss settles over me and seeps into my soul. it's a knowledge that no matter what else is going on the the world, or in my life, that all will be well....

i wish i had a name for this moment. these times have been rare, and extremely precious to me....the first one i remember having was as a child, maybe ten years old or so. it was christmas eve, and i was leaning out an opened window in my bedroom on the second floor of our row house, breathing in the fresh cold air. i knew there was no santa, and i had no religious leanings, so i started to wonder what the point of christmas was. "it's about this," i thought. "it's about wishing for peace in the world. it's about caring for each other." i don't think i had the words then, but the feeling i had was that this season was about the expression of love...

another instance of this also occured as a child. i was still quite young, and walking by myself through some old growth forest on haida gwaii. the air was softly pleasant, the forest quiet, the ground beneath me feet a soft and springy bed of moss. i stopped on the little used trail and lay down on my back to stare up with awe at these massively tall cedars, sentinels to our past. "i need to remember this," i thought. "this is special. i won't always have this. most people don't have this experience." somehow i knew that that experience, that connection to the earth was a gift.

i've had a few more similar experiences since. they come randomly and without warning. and i hold on to them as i would a new born babe, gently, and with all my heart.

for those who don't already know, i have suffered from bouts of depression many times in my life. it may be that it i will always have to deal with it, like a recovering alcoholic. or, maybe, i will learn to find a new way of life that doesn't include it. i don't know, and in the grand scheme of things (if there is a grand scheme, and we're not all intangibles in a swirl of random chaos), it doesn't matter, as long as i know that i will have these moments of clarity again, these moments of feeling my soul fragile and full....

someone said to me yesterday that all we are are conduits for love. it comes through us and out to others. all we have to do is learn to accept love fom others first...

and so right now, today, i leave you with this. celebrate something in the next few weeks, whether it be solstice, christmas, or some religious or secular celebration or recognition, with love in your heart. if you can, let it in... and if you can, let it out....

i have a stuffed dancing pig that sings “my girl”...cheesy, ya...but it never fails to make me smile...go figure...

so i start thinking about what else always makes me smile...here’s my list…

my adorable nephews (especially the baby who gets soooo mad)
snow falling
when kids laugh at my stupid jokes
my littlest cat (who I think has adhd…)
my blond curly haired friend
a really good cup of coffee (okay, sometimes it’s an inward smile...people tend to look suspiciously at people sitting by themselves in coffee shops smiling gleefully)
a really good glass of red wine
seeing my mom after a long time apart
people who smile at me
friends who call just to say they miss me
seeing new books by my favorite authors
lots of christmas lights

so what always makes you smile?

the late night is quiet as i sit down...to rest...to think...to reflect...
it's been a learning time for me...hard lessons - i guess the meaningful ones always are...

hands hover over keys, and words come back, fragmented and slow...but they come...

the whisper of a promise

do you see
ribbons of glass
woven with
breath...
do you hear
the beating heart,
held in time...
do you feel
the slow inhale,
and exhale
as fingers
dance over
warm vulnerability...
do you taste
eternity
in the fullness
of now...

i'm supposed to create a link to the person who sent me this meme (kellynerd), but i don't know how...and i'm supposed to send this one on to others, but i don't know if i want to do that quite yet....

here it is...a letter to my thirteen year old self

dear j,

i wish i could be there in your thirteen year old life to help you through the next years of your life. i wish i could help you understand that this life has so much more to offer than you realize. but first, there are a few things you have to know. you are a beautiful, wonderful, talented, wildly creative girl. and you are a good person. i know that you don’t feel that way. i know that you are often sad and angry. it’s okay. you have a right to be. you didn’t deserve what life had in store for you so young. you deserved more. you still do.

it’s not your fault you know...his anger, his abuse. it’s not your fault that you don’t feel loved. she didn’t know how to show it. she didn’t know a lot about raising children. she does love you though. later in life she will try to show it to you. i wish i could be there right now, to hold you, and help you feel safe from the world.

don’t feel the guilt i know you feel now about keeping quiet. it’s a lot to expect from a child who feels alone. and you’re not a freak! you are a whole special being worthy of being appreciated for who you are.

i wish you could know this now....it would help through the rest of your life....you act so tough wearing that chip on you shoulder to fend off the world before it can hurt you any more. but, that chip is going to get heavy. i wish you could let it go, but i guess that will happen when you don’t need it anymore.

you have just moved again. this time to a much bigger town. i know it is never really easy moving so often, and that you will never like this place. the good news is that you will eventually leave there, and not look back.

i know that you will also not like going to school, but don’t worry, you’ll make it through, and go on to university like you always thought you would. your parents will be proud. but more importantly, it will help you become a more assertive person. you will find your voice. years from now you will find it mildly amusing to be doing what you do for a living.

you will move to the city when you are twenty, and life will seem to open up. parties, drinking, drugs...you will continue to live a life of transience, moving once or twice a year. you will be good at that, learning to adapt to new situations. it is one of your strengths. you have a lot of them. i wish you could know that. you will make many new friends, and some of them will stay with you for many years. many more others will fade away, but that’s okay...that damien guy will be in your life a while – you’ll get a crush on him, but don’t worry too much about it. one day he’s going to stop being the west-end party boy, get married to a very sweet guy, and adopt two kids....

in the meantime you are going to see a lot of this province and country, live in many places, and meet many people. you will try to make up for your first twenty years by partying for the next ten...you will have fun, and you will have heartache; some people you know will die early deaths and that will affect you.

oh ya, all those feelings you are going to have about being different from everyone around you? well, there are real reasons for that. you are different. you suffer from bouts of depression (yes, believe it or not, kids can have it to) you just won’t have a name for it. you eventually will, and one day long from now, you will finally do something about it.

and all these guys you're going to pine for, or have brief meaningless relationships with? don’t worry, one day they will mean very little to you. you will understand that you weren’t meant to be with them. one day, after a long journey of feeling out of synch with people around you, you will realize that you actually prefer women, and it will feel like you are finally home...

you are going to take a long time deciding what you want to do in life, and even longer getting there, but you will. and along the way, you will have more regrets...you will not be a mother like you always thought you would be...your life will not turn out like you think it might...you will struggle to deal with that...but, life is like that....there will be days and nights when you feel like your soul is breaking, but you will survive.

i wish i could go back in time to talk with you now, to be there for you so that you don’t have to spend so many years feeling so alone. you will know that your family loved you in their own ways, but, unfortunately, it will take you some time to accept that. you will have a difficult time letting anybody into your life...you will have trouble letting people know who you are, but it will happen. your brothers will meet wonderful women who they will marry, and one of your sisters-in-law will become another sister to you. knowing that she cares about and loves you will help you in hard times. oh ya, and she will bring boys into this world who will help you understand what it is like to love unconditionally...

this one will come as a shocker. you are going to move back to the town you were born in and live there for quite a while. yes, i know, you said never...but hey...it happens...

you are going to meet someone later in life who helps you to see that your life can be lived differently. she will always mean a great deal to you, although maybe not in the way you first envision. by the way, technology is going to enter your life in ways you can not now imagine...cells phones and computers will become you right arm....don’t laugh...it’s true...this technology will open up even more of the world for you...

you will have a rough time for a while, yet again questioning life....but again, you will come through...don’t quite know how yet. i wish my sixty year old self were able to write a letter to my current self, and let me know it goes, and i could tell you...i guess i’ll just have to trust in my knowledge, my resources, and my strength...

if i could give you one (well, more than one) piece of advice to change your life? don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks. be proud of your uniqueness, don't take yourself so seriously, take more risks...and laugh...baby, just laugh...

you know when life catches up to you and - whoompf - just sets you on your ass? mine just did that to me again…and this time i’m listening…

i know that i’m not the only person to feel as though i'm not fully living…to “go through the motions”, to over-compensate in some areas for what is lacking in the others….and i know that i’m not the only one who has crisis of…(well, not exactly faith, as i do not subscribe to any formal religious beliefs…)…well, a crisis of belief i guess, belief in myself…belief in others…belief that we matter…belief that if i say what i think, i won’t fall off the earth…

how do i change who i am? and yes, i do have to do that. as odd as it sounds to my own ears, i have to become myself…and how do i do that after all these years of ingrained habits, learned fears, self-censoring…? with work, with stepping outside my comfort zones in many areas, with taking risks, with breathing, and with taking one day at a time....