today, part 2 - "issues with people"
i never considered myself beautiful. i have features that do not fit popular culture's standards of beauty. my parents let me know early in life that i wasn't perfect (i know it's not unusual....many people have similar stories). so i decided that i would make myself beautiful "on the inside". to my young mind that meant being nice. it meant not letting people feel uncomfortable. it meant not showing people when i was sad or angry. it meant ignoring insensitive comments, or not calling people on their rudeness. it meant ignoring or hiding my feelings when people did or said things that hurt me...i would think that if i was good, and nice, and thoughtful, and calm, and peaceful, and sensitive to others, that it would make up for....well, for anything else i was lacking... and it would mean that i would not have to be alone....
and now...i'm finally realizing how wrong i was. i'm realizing that i let some people treat me with less than what i deserved, with less respect, with less caring.... i am realizing now that this was all a part of allowing people to not value me because i did not think myself as worthwhile as everyone else....because i did not value myself..
did not value myself...
the words hang there...still raw....
but i'm learning.
and i'm going to have to learn how to not put up with less than i deserve anymore...i'm going to learn to say "fuck you" to people when i need to.... i'm going to learn to be okay with not making other people happy...i'm going to learn how to say when enough is enough....because i'm done....i'm just done.
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(Update: this blog documented in words a journey, a transition into a new place of being...don't say you weren't warned...)
About Me
- jl
- Hmmm...irreverant comes to mind....hopefully there's more to me than that. I started this blog to try to document some of my journey, past and present...
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January
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my idiosycrasies...in no particular order...
1. i value honesty
2. i'm addicted to luxury hotels
3. i am usually reserved with people
4. i don't make friends easily
5. i love good food
6. i like to talk about myself, but usually only do when asked
7. i'm addicted to coffee - but only good coffee
8. i can make small talk, but secretly hate it
9. i'm hyper aware of people's "energy".
10. i don't like bratty children
11. i love a good read
12. i am a procrastinator
13. when i'm in a bad mood, it's easy to get me out of it.
14. i am an extremely light sleeper
15. i don't like shallow, flaky people
16. i won't fight for conversation space in a group
17. i am a loyal friend
18. i believe that there is always more than one side to a story
19. i am a horrible student
20. i don't like liars
21. i don't "play games" with people
22. i do like real games though
23. a great night is spent with a few close friends
24. i get anxious when i'm not organized
25. i want to see the world
26. i believe in love
27. i believe in forgiveness
28. i hate being taken for granted
29. i like to dress up to go to the opera once in a while
30. i like to wear comfy sweats and skechers
31. i have to have popcorn when i go to the movies
32. i like british movies
33. i'm a tv addict
34. i admire compassionate people
35. i don't like christmas hype
36. i like to cook for people
37. i don't like people who i can't rely on
38. i'm at home when i'm on the water (which i don't do enough)
39. i'm a recovering shoe-aholic
40. ...to be continued...
2. i'm addicted to luxury hotels
3. i am usually reserved with people
4. i don't make friends easily
5. i love good food
6. i like to talk about myself, but usually only do when asked
7. i'm addicted to coffee - but only good coffee
8. i can make small talk, but secretly hate it
9. i'm hyper aware of people's "energy".
10. i don't like bratty children
11. i love a good read
12. i am a procrastinator
13. when i'm in a bad mood, it's easy to get me out of it.
14. i am an extremely light sleeper
15. i don't like shallow, flaky people
16. i won't fight for conversation space in a group
17. i am a loyal friend
18. i believe that there is always more than one side to a story
19. i am a horrible student
20. i don't like liars
21. i don't "play games" with people
22. i do like real games though
23. a great night is spent with a few close friends
24. i get anxious when i'm not organized
25. i want to see the world
26. i believe in love
27. i believe in forgiveness
28. i hate being taken for granted
29. i like to dress up to go to the opera once in a while
30. i like to wear comfy sweats and skechers
31. i have to have popcorn when i go to the movies
32. i like british movies
33. i'm a tv addict
34. i admire compassionate people
35. i don't like christmas hype
36. i like to cook for people
37. i don't like people who i can't rely on
38. i'm at home when i'm on the water (which i don't do enough)
39. i'm a recovering shoe-aholic
40. ...to be continued...
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11 comments:
I resemble some of your remarks. Cheers x 3 to beginnings anew and re-invention self.
(hugs)
Assertion doesn't necessarily imply not being nice. It just means you're being nicest to yourself sometimes... That's what they tell me anyway. ;)
Just say no.
I was watching Oprah the other day. Gavin Debacker was on - he said "when a man says 'no' it's the end of the discussion. When a woman say's 'no' it's the beginning of negotiations". He was commenting that women need to be more assertive and was commenting on society.
His words hang in the air - sadly they are so true.
It's taken me 40 years to finally begin to "put my foot" down in some instances.
My children have actually picked on me for not telling my wife "no" on occasion!
But especially as I correspond with others here, I find I am not the monster I once thought...
Thank you for that!
alan
thank you all for your comments...i'm realizing how hard it is to break some long held habits...but i'm on my way... :)
j.
Good for you! These are hard steps to take, but it's well worth it.
wow I really relate to this post! thank you for writing it... as TOD said "I resemble these remarks".
oxox
nina
I agree this post resonates with me as well. I have found refuge in feminist studies, and Ani Di.franco. I enjoy your writing thank you for being so honest.
I used to be much more inclined to keep my mouth shut, but I found as I aged, I got mouthier. I suppose when I am 65, I will be a total hellcat.
It's amazing isn't it how the negative labels our parents and others put on us in our childhood leads to us continuously creating our own.
Usually when you spend your life making others happy it means you have spent your life unhappy, why should anyone have to sacrifice self to make someone else happy? if they care for you shouldn't your unhappiness make them unhappy too?
You should never have to settle for less than you deserve, you should never have to settle period!
You ARE beautiful J, beautiful, intelligent, passionate, compassionate, witty. The thought that someone with as much to offer as you has been settling for less doesn't leave much hope for the rest of us.
When you figure out how NOT to settle, perhaps you can offer online classes! ;-)
. . .And that journey of learning is what it's really all about. It's okay to be done but I didn't need to tell you that. THANK YOU for your kind words about the loss of my cat. It meant more than I can express. Take care.
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