after writing the post about what makes me always smile, i began thinking about one other experience that lifts my spirit. it's something that i've found hard to name. it's a moment, a precious moment, usually when i am by myself, when a certain peacefulnsss settles over me and seeps into my soul. it's a knowledge that no matter what else is going on the the world, or in my life, that all will be well....

i wish i had a name for this moment. these times have been rare, and extremely precious to me....the first one i remember having was as a child, maybe ten years old or so. it was christmas eve, and i was leaning out an opened window in my bedroom on the second floor of our row house, breathing in the fresh cold air. i knew there was no santa, and i had no religious leanings, so i started to wonder what the point of christmas was. "it's about this," i thought. "it's about wishing for peace in the world. it's about caring for each other." i don't think i had the words then, but the feeling i had was that this season was about the expression of love...

another instance of this also occured as a child. i was still quite young, and walking by myself through some old growth forest on haida gwaii. the air was softly pleasant, the forest quiet, the ground beneath me feet a soft and springy bed of moss. i stopped on the little used trail and lay down on my back to stare up with awe at these massively tall cedars, sentinels to our past. "i need to remember this," i thought. "this is special. i won't always have this. most people don't have this experience." somehow i knew that that experience, that connection to the earth was a gift.

i've had a few more similar experiences since. they come randomly and without warning. and i hold on to them as i would a new born babe, gently, and with all my heart.

for those who don't already know, i have suffered from bouts of depression many times in my life. it may be that it i will always have to deal with it, like a recovering alcoholic. or, maybe, i will learn to find a new way of life that doesn't include it. i don't know, and in the grand scheme of things (if there is a grand scheme, and we're not all intangibles in a swirl of random chaos), it doesn't matter, as long as i know that i will have these moments of clarity again, these moments of feeling my soul fragile and full....

someone said to me yesterday that all we are are conduits for love. it comes through us and out to others. all we have to do is learn to accept love fom others first...

and so right now, today, i leave you with this. celebrate something in the next few weeks, whether it be solstice, christmas, or some religious or secular celebration or recognition, with love in your heart. if you can, let it in... and if you can, let it out....