i sit in a hotel room....with a few minutes of retrospection before friends arrive for a night out....and here's what i'm thinking:

the journey to stay true to one's self is not an easy road....especially so if a person has spent a whole life not knowing who that is....but the effort is worth it....

i absolutely adore tall strong, confident, sexy women with husky voices...

i'm riding a high of commiting my life to me....taking better care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally....

i'm going to get another tattoo to commemorate this year....( i just had my other one recoloured...ouch...)

i'm looking in the mirror and liking what i see...this person looking back at me is even kinda cute :)

cherry blossom trees tickle my soul...

the value of authentic, honest, caring people is incalculable. it seems these days that these are rare and valuable human beings. cherish them....

off to find some trouble to get into..... :)

j.

i wish i had the words to describe today....hard, thoughtful, real, significant, draining...i guess i had the words after all...

isn't it odd how a person can hold seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time....i'm both fearful and excited about the future....i'm both sad and contented that i'm moving through some difficult issues....i even seem to be able to hold resentment and forgiveness together in some sort of twisted ball....i suppose i have to unravel some of those threads.... :)

a thought to meditate upon: to give from the heart is to give without expectation of being thanked....to truly love is to love without expectation of having it returned....

goodnight.

one more for tonight...a hard one...

i've always had difficulties letting go...i guess many of us do. but it's even harder when it's people i have to let go of, people i thought were friends (and i don't use that word lightly), who would be in my life for the longer term, but who have, instead, moved on, to new lives, to new interests. but i have to, because it's all i can really do. we can't hold on to people in our lives if they don't want to be there. i'm not bitter. once i would have been, but not now. i'm just sad...profoundly sad for what is lost...what might have been.

letting go. peace.
j.

it's been a fucking hard week....

and it's been a fucking good week (yes, i really do like to swear) because of new friends who bring truth and honesty (yes, these are separate things...), compassion, support, and humour.... and because i'm working on what i need to (oh, there is so much...)

and i want to say thank-you for every bit of positive energy sent my way in that last little while...believe me, i used it all, and more....and i continue to do so....

:)

i breathe in,
and nourish my soul,

with stories from
others who walk
similar journies...
with courage
of the truth
being spoken
in halting words ...
with the kindness
communicated
in a heartfelt smile,
or embrace...
with healing energy
given freely,
without condition...

only i can do this work,
no one else can do it for me...
but i cannot do it alone,
and i know i am not...

i looked into faces
of stangers
and felt them
connected to me...
and trust begins to bloom,
like the tiniest sprout
pushing through the soil...

when you speak the truth
i hear it with my heart,

and words mean nothing
when your spirit says otherwise...

moving forward requires moving backward, and standing perfectly still, all at the same time...

any inventors out there?...how can i walk on my treadmill and surf the internet at the same time? i watch tv and play on my computer at the same time. i use my treadmill and watch tv at the same time. i just have to figure out the treadmill/computer combo...

well, i'm about to undertake a week-end of intense emotional work...at least i'm anticipating that it will be intense. i guess that depends on how much i am willing to put into it. i am going to be letting a few things go....and that's a little scary...i haven't been in the full here and now for a while and i need to do that to get back to my writing...

send me good energy...

ah...decisions, decisions, decisions...

i said a while ago that i would not allow fear and trepidation to hold me back from living the kind of life i want to lead....and i'm not leading that life...so i've made a decision to make a serious change. i'm going to move. i will be giving up a great job, but i what i'm giving up to be here outweighs the rewards of my work. and i may have to take a loss on my house...but that will be the price i'm willing to pay for for i want to do...

a friend asked me last week-end if i'd consider moving. i said yes, but not for a few years yet. but i've been saying that for a long time...for ten years, in fact....it has become too easy to stay where i am, to hold on to the familiar and the secure. i think really that i was afraid to make a change and then regret the decision. i am still a little afraid, but i will survive...i always do...

it won't happen quite yet...but it will happen. i don't even know where i will go yet, but i've no great worries about that. i will have options.

in the meantime, there is paris...and the marking i have to finish tonight... :)

a freind brought me flowers today, and came for a visit 'cause she thought a scary, stressful night in the hospital warranted some tlc....it meant a lot to me....
i forget, sometimes, to appreciate some of the people in my life...i have to remember to not do that....
so now i'm resting....and learning to be thankful...
j.

paris anyone?

its' done... it's really done. plane ticket bought, apartment in the marais booked...i'm heading to paris for almost a month in july!

i'm so excited...i'm imagining pain au chocolat and cafe au lait for breakfast, afternoons at the louvre, strolls along the seine, bread, cheese, and wine for dinner....and maybe a beautiful french woman with a sexy accent....hmmmm....counting the weeks....

"if wishes were horses, i'd ride forever"

i wish....i try to not wish too much (action is generally better than wishing)...but today i do wish something - i wish i had a thicker skin. i've wished this before. i tried to make my wish come true by acting as if i do..but i don't...i never have...

it's taken me ten years to develop a thicker skin in my career - not too thick 'cause it takes a cetain sensitivity to work well with children, but enough that i can weather the daily highs and lows.

my personal life is another matter. i've often wanted to be someone else, someone who is not buffeted to and fro by her emotions, by the words or deeds of others, someone who does not come to tears when feeling something intensely. but, that's not me either....no matter what, i cannot seem to change the part of me that takes things personally, that feels things intensely...

i try to rationalize...i know that often when i am hurt by the words or actions of people i care about, it isn't because they have intended to make me feel that way. but, somehow, that doesn't seem to help. i wish it were any other way. i really do want to have a thicker skin, to not read too much into things, to be able to let things not affect me so much....it would make my life immensely easier....

what i learned this week-end...

a 20 month old baby (who i've barely spent any time with since he was born) loves the feeling of my hair tickling his face....he also likes goldfish and getting to do what he wants...but then i think we all do....

my other boys are growing up (they're all mine in heart only)...i miss the early mornings when they were a year old when their mother (my sis-in-law) and i would sit cuddling with them before we had to get ready for work...

but now, i get to hear them tell me with pride about what they are learning at school, and i get to see their beaming smiles when they show me what they can read and write....

i have to visit them so much more often....these years too will fly by....