my life is shifting..i'm making it shift...small incremental twinges in the validity of old paradigms are being challenged....new ways of seeing, of believing, of acting, of being, are explored... and relished...

where this goes, where i go, remains a mystery, and that excites me...i'm realizing that the journey is not to get to a final destination; the journey is life...

so i'm moving...well, i moved...to wordpress. please come visit me and leave a few words at http://pacificfemme.wordpress.com/

j.

on the red-eye to new york tomorrow night....my first visit to the "big apple"....i'm getting excited....i just can't decide what to pack...

who needs a pillow...? looks pretty comfy to me....

i now remember why i don't let myself sleep in on sunday mornings....it makes trying to get to sleep on sunday nights a bitch!

so here i am six hours before i'm due to awake, wide awake, and frustrated....frustrated because i cannot sleep....frustrated because there are lose ends in some of my relationships right now, and thats hard for me....frustrated because i have to be patient for other things in my life, and that's also hard....

i guess i'm just in a bad place or a few hours....this too shall pass....

for the sake of equal air time....
this is my other little one, waverly...she's quiet, gentle, shy, and often harassed by panda... :)

this is one of my two "babies". her name is panda bear and i'd say she's a "special needs" kitty...seriously....

lately though, she's gotten even odder....it's my fault - i've been away too much, and now she's has become quite needy....i need a kitty nanny!

i sit in a hotel room....with a few minutes of retrospection before friends arrive for a night out....and here's what i'm thinking:

the journey to stay true to one's self is not an easy road....especially so if a person has spent a whole life not knowing who that is....but the effort is worth it....

i absolutely adore tall strong, confident, sexy women with husky voices...

i'm riding a high of commiting my life to me....taking better care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally....

i'm going to get another tattoo to commemorate this year....( i just had my other one recoloured...ouch...)

i'm looking in the mirror and liking what i see...this person looking back at me is even kinda cute :)

cherry blossom trees tickle my soul...

the value of authentic, honest, caring people is incalculable. it seems these days that these are rare and valuable human beings. cherish them....

off to find some trouble to get into..... :)

j.

i wish i had the words to describe today....hard, thoughtful, real, significant, draining...i guess i had the words after all...

isn't it odd how a person can hold seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time....i'm both fearful and excited about the future....i'm both sad and contented that i'm moving through some difficult issues....i even seem to be able to hold resentment and forgiveness together in some sort of twisted ball....i suppose i have to unravel some of those threads.... :)

a thought to meditate upon: to give from the heart is to give without expectation of being thanked....to truly love is to love without expectation of having it returned....

goodnight.

one more for tonight...a hard one...

i've always had difficulties letting go...i guess many of us do. but it's even harder when it's people i have to let go of, people i thought were friends (and i don't use that word lightly), who would be in my life for the longer term, but who have, instead, moved on, to new lives, to new interests. but i have to, because it's all i can really do. we can't hold on to people in our lives if they don't want to be there. i'm not bitter. once i would have been, but not now. i'm just sad...profoundly sad for what is lost...what might have been.

letting go. peace.
j.

it's been a fucking hard week....

and it's been a fucking good week (yes, i really do like to swear) because of new friends who bring truth and honesty (yes, these are separate things...), compassion, support, and humour.... and because i'm working on what i need to (oh, there is so much...)

and i want to say thank-you for every bit of positive energy sent my way in that last little while...believe me, i used it all, and more....and i continue to do so....

:)

i breathe in,
and nourish my soul,

with stories from
others who walk
similar journies...
with courage
of the truth
being spoken
in halting words ...
with the kindness
communicated
in a heartfelt smile,
or embrace...
with healing energy
given freely,
without condition...

only i can do this work,
no one else can do it for me...
but i cannot do it alone,
and i know i am not...

i looked into faces
of stangers
and felt them
connected to me...
and trust begins to bloom,
like the tiniest sprout
pushing through the soil...

when you speak the truth
i hear it with my heart,

and words mean nothing
when your spirit says otherwise...

moving forward requires moving backward, and standing perfectly still, all at the same time...

any inventors out there?...how can i walk on my treadmill and surf the internet at the same time? i watch tv and play on my computer at the same time. i use my treadmill and watch tv at the same time. i just have to figure out the treadmill/computer combo...

well, i'm about to undertake a week-end of intense emotional work...at least i'm anticipating that it will be intense. i guess that depends on how much i am willing to put into it. i am going to be letting a few things go....and that's a little scary...i haven't been in the full here and now for a while and i need to do that to get back to my writing...

send me good energy...

ah...decisions, decisions, decisions...

i said a while ago that i would not allow fear and trepidation to hold me back from living the kind of life i want to lead....and i'm not leading that life...so i've made a decision to make a serious change. i'm going to move. i will be giving up a great job, but i what i'm giving up to be here outweighs the rewards of my work. and i may have to take a loss on my house...but that will be the price i'm willing to pay for for i want to do...

a friend asked me last week-end if i'd consider moving. i said yes, but not for a few years yet. but i've been saying that for a long time...for ten years, in fact....it has become too easy to stay where i am, to hold on to the familiar and the secure. i think really that i was afraid to make a change and then regret the decision. i am still a little afraid, but i will survive...i always do...

it won't happen quite yet...but it will happen. i don't even know where i will go yet, but i've no great worries about that. i will have options.

in the meantime, there is paris...and the marking i have to finish tonight... :)

a freind brought me flowers today, and came for a visit 'cause she thought a scary, stressful night in the hospital warranted some tlc....it meant a lot to me....
i forget, sometimes, to appreciate some of the people in my life...i have to remember to not do that....
so now i'm resting....and learning to be thankful...
j.

paris anyone?

its' done... it's really done. plane ticket bought, apartment in the marais booked...i'm heading to paris for almost a month in july!

i'm so excited...i'm imagining pain au chocolat and cafe au lait for breakfast, afternoons at the louvre, strolls along the seine, bread, cheese, and wine for dinner....and maybe a beautiful french woman with a sexy accent....hmmmm....counting the weeks....

"if wishes were horses, i'd ride forever"

i wish....i try to not wish too much (action is generally better than wishing)...but today i do wish something - i wish i had a thicker skin. i've wished this before. i tried to make my wish come true by acting as if i do..but i don't...i never have...

it's taken me ten years to develop a thicker skin in my career - not too thick 'cause it takes a cetain sensitivity to work well with children, but enough that i can weather the daily highs and lows.

my personal life is another matter. i've often wanted to be someone else, someone who is not buffeted to and fro by her emotions, by the words or deeds of others, someone who does not come to tears when feeling something intensely. but, that's not me either....no matter what, i cannot seem to change the part of me that takes things personally, that feels things intensely...

i try to rationalize...i know that often when i am hurt by the words or actions of people i care about, it isn't because they have intended to make me feel that way. but, somehow, that doesn't seem to help. i wish it were any other way. i really do want to have a thicker skin, to not read too much into things, to be able to let things not affect me so much....it would make my life immensely easier....

what i learned this week-end...

a 20 month old baby (who i've barely spent any time with since he was born) loves the feeling of my hair tickling his face....he also likes goldfish and getting to do what he wants...but then i think we all do....

my other boys are growing up (they're all mine in heart only)...i miss the early mornings when they were a year old when their mother (my sis-in-law) and i would sit cuddling with them before we had to get ready for work...

but now, i get to hear them tell me with pride about what they are learning at school, and i get to see their beaming smiles when they show me what they can read and write....

i have to visit them so much more often....these years too will fly by....

the first song i heard of hers, from if your memory serves you well,captivated me, so i bought the cd. it was well worth it. there are a few of her own songs (such as "weak in the knees"), and cover tunes of other songs by canadian artists...

her voice draws me in, tantalizing, sexy, and playful...

what does it mean to be brave? many different things to many different people i would guess. a few (well, many) years ago, i read something to the effect that being brave doesn't mean a person is not frightened, it means that a person proceeds even in the face of fear...

i've never had to be brave the way many woman have had to when dealing with a life threatening physical illness. i've never had to battle cancer, or live with ms, or....
summoning up the will to fight for one's life in that arena takes bravery...

but i think many women are brave in so many other ways too.....

sometimes, it's the bravery of a women's decision to bring a child into this world despite her fears about not being able to be the best parent....
sometimes it's found in a woman's difficult decision to not bring a child into this world....

i see bravery in women who make decisions to put parts of their lives on hold in order to provide what they think is the best life for their children....
and i see bravery in in women who realize that they also need to live their lives and their truths even though it is hard for others...

there is bravery in women who have fallen to their knees, but who don't give up, and find a way to stand up again....
there is bravery in women who share their stories, their lows in life, their insecurities, their vulnerabilties...

what is bravery to me?...sometimes it's seen the will to believe that no matter how bad today is, there will be a tomorrow, and it has so many possibilities.....

and, as for me....i am learning that this life is far too short to allow fear or trepidation to confine me anymore....

j.

serena ryder's cd if memory serves you well is playing...(i'm seduced by her voice...)

a night was spent around the kitchen table sharing good food, wine, conversation, laughter, stories....and now the table has been cleared, the candles extinguished, the guests gone home...

let me leave the dishes until tomorrow...let me just feel the fullness of now....i'm learning to do that - feeling the now. and it's a challenge, trying to not dwell on yesterday or plan for tomorrow...just feeling the now, 'cause that is all there ever really is....

bon nuit...

okay, time to come out of the closet (so to speak) and put a face to my words...
this is me...

the wind is howling today,
echoing my state of mind...


it's been a rough ride these last weeks. both the acknowledged, and the unacknowledged, beating their wings on my consciousness, demanding attention...

and i've retreated....

while the storm continues...

what tethers
me
to this life,
to this existence?

like a puff of smoke
i yearn
to float upward,
and dissapate
into a million
minute
fragments,
swirling
over the earth...

"live with intention"
...more to come on this one...

scar tissue hardens
below the surface
protecting me
in my ignorance
of thinking
what i needed
was no one but myself
and the resolve to
be strong

buried below are
years
of hurt
of tears
of confusion...

wounds that
can not be tended to
until i can open
them
to the air

i move slow
i cannot tear it out

i have to gently soften,
and slip it aside,
to tend to the past,
to heal the present,
to greet the future

i looked at her and said, "i feel like i've been grieving for a year."
she raised her brows only slightly, recognizing maybe, that there was much more that i needed to be talking about....

i've had a few losses in the past year. one of them was my life long held assumption that one day i would be a biological mother to a child i could call my own... one who i could see myself in, and who i could nurture and help grow into a strong, loving compassionate adult...

but i waited too long, so mixed in with feelings is the demon of regret... i want to be angry about the loss, but the only one i can direct that at is me...and i don't want to do that to myself anymore...i am realizing that in my grieving, i will also have to find a way to forgive myself....

another uncannny "quiz" result...i do enjoy the early morning before the world awakes....and i love the line "you are long sips of...coffee..."

thanks shazza for the site.

here's the time if day i am... :)

"You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky."

a long, full day...a good day.

i talked,
i was listened to.
i laughed,
i made others laugh.

i'm tired,
and that is good.

i want to sleep....
deeply...
deeply...
deeply...
and awake,
again,
to a new day
full of possibilities....

i want to run away...i really, really want to just run away for a while. i don't know exactly why the desire is so strong in me right now. maybe it's part january blues, but i think there's something more....
i used to want to run away from my life and never come back. just disappear, start over in a new place and recreate myself.
this time it's not that (thankfully). that was about trying to run away from myself. this is something different...
anyhow, i have a week or so off coming up next month and the two places calling me right now are mexico and paris.... mexico - a sundrenched beach with warm breezes and cool marguaritas....paris - real chocolate croissants and cafe au lait for breakfast, and a visit or two to the louvre....
what to do....
if i think about it practically, i should stay home. it would be financially wiser, and i could spend time with my nephews....but i think i might be done with practicality this year. i think this year, i might throw caution to the wind and listen to my impractical, carefree impulses....

of all the quizzes i've taken, this one is freakily close... at least i think so... j. What My Name Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

today, part 2 - "issues with people"

i never considered myself beautiful. i have features that do not fit popular culture's standards of beauty. my parents let me know early in life that i wasn't perfect (i know it's not unusual....many people have similar stories). so i decided that i would make myself beautiful "on the inside". to my young mind that meant being nice. it meant not letting people feel uncomfortable. it meant not showing people when i was sad or angry. it meant ignoring insensitive comments, or not calling people on their rudeness. it meant ignoring or hiding my feelings when people did or said things that hurt me...i would think that if i was good, and nice, and thoughtful, and calm, and peaceful, and sensitive to others, that it would make up for....well, for anything else i was lacking... and it would mean that i would not have to be alone....

and now...i'm finally realizing how wrong i was. i'm realizing that i let some people treat me with less than what i deserved, with less respect, with less caring.... i am realizing now that this was all a part of allowing people to not value me because i did not think myself as worthwhile as everyone else....because i did not value myself..

did not value myself...

the words hang there...still raw....

but i'm learning.

and i'm going to have to learn how to not put up with less than i deserve anymore...i'm going to learn to say "fuck you" to people when i need to.... i'm going to learn to be okay with not making other people happy...i'm going to learn how to say when enough is enough....because i'm done....i'm just done.

today, part 1 - "issues with noise"

morning...
on the bus...
the woman behind me has been on her cell phone
since before we boarded...
she is talking non-stop,
loudly...
i turn,
"please...SHUT-UP!"

midday...
i am in a meeting...
animated,
sometimes heated
disussion...
we are told
to ignore
a pre-planned
fire-alarm drill...
the alarms ring and stop,
and ring and stop,
and ring...
i yell
"arrrhg!" mid-sentence.

evening...
i'm in chapters
the phone is ringing
somewhere on the floor...
it rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings,
and rings...
i pick up the receiver,
and shout into it,
"there is nobody here!"

that was my day...
sorta...
the woman,
the fire-drill,
the irritating ringing phones...
they happened....

my responses...
...only in my mind....

like waves on the shore,
the understanding
comes close
and recedes

i can feel it
in the air,
fragile tendrils
seeking
their home,
like a whisper
cradled
in my arms

i trace the words with my finger tips
slow sensual curve
strong bold stoke
willing the ink
to seep through
my skin,
for the words
to become body

do you ever have those day when you want to say exactly what pops into your head at any given moment? when you want to uncensor your tongue and say the things you never normally would (because of oh so many reasons)….do you ever have those days when you want to let it all go and be dare the world to call you crazy, insane, erratic, “loop-the fuckin-loop (anyone get that reference?), nuts, etc….

it's the “alice falling down the rabbit hole” feeling….where my mind just swirls, and the boundaries between my impulses and my self-preservation begin to blur….

one of these days, i tell myself, one of these days my id will overthrow ego, and punch super-ego square in the nose...

my lesson

i give this to the universe...i give this to myself...

do not hold tightly...
let go

do not try to make sense of it...
exist

do not try to shape it...
let it be

do not attempt to define...
be open

the intangible

i struggle to make sense,
but the understanding
i try to make
cannot be made
in the mind...

i am looking at
a glass world
in which
i can exist
and not exist,
i can know
and not know,
i can be
and not be...

i see it close and far
i can touch it,
taste it...
in my imagination
only

i am in a
place
of possibilities,
of discordance,
of choice,
and i do not
know how to move

my legs are mud
holding me to this place,
my arms
reaching out
to the universe,
my heart
knows i am
nothing,
and
i am all....